Doomsday Friends, New And Old Lives, And Many "To Be Continued"...

I am trying to remember all my counseling verbiage while writing this.  My "I" feelings and opinions... but I will confess it is hard.  Because my story feels so personal and because I have tried to reconnect with people when I have been on the other side of the fence for all the right, and wrong, reasons.

If you know me now, and read old posts or knew me before, you may not believe I am the same person I was 5, 10, or 20 years ago.  And honestly, I am not.  I am the same body and the same biological being, only that much older.  Who I am mentally and spiritually, well that is a different story.  But it is my story.  And if you want to know it then keep reading.  If you think you already know it I guess it is up to you to face the fact that you could be wrong, even if you end up being right.

The reason I am writing this all down is because I need to.  I am a sensitive person.  I am also very intuitive.  I have a hard time not being brutally honest and am too transparent most of the time.  I also find that I am full of honest joy and love people.  I want to make people happy. But I am growing out of that people-pleaser part of my life.  I still want to do kind things that bring people happiness.  That is way different though and another story. 

The reason I am writing this is because I don't think I am alone.  I think there are a few people who need to really evaluate why they are doing what they do.  I have been receiving calls, fb messages, emails, etc. from people who I have not even heard from in a year...or more.  Trying to really digest the reason has brought me to this point. There is a time an place for everything.  And that goes for relationships. 

There was an abrupt end to my job in February of 2019.  There isn't an easy answer to why and beyond saying that I got a concrete answer from God that He did not want me there any more is about all that needs to be said.  This last year has been a time that has proven that I heard God right and I have been receiving blessings on the rainy days.  Here is the link to the song that inspired my blog and my ever sporadic posts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

This decision was followed by myself and my family leaving the church where I had worked.  The truth was that where God wanted me to work/serve/relate was not there.  I often pray for God to open doors or slam them shut.  He slammed them.  Not people, but God did.  And I truly believe this.  But to make it perfectly clear, my relationship with God, with Jesus, His plan for my purpose was in no way shaken. People get hung up on that.  Somehow they equate someone leaving a church with a faulty walk with God.  But that was not my case.  And I will completely confess that I have not always thought that of others, but I thought it enough that it colored how I interacted with people who left a church I was at.  And there were times in my past that I did leave another church because my heart was not in the right place.  That is another story though. Good to note because a lot of growth came from that experience.  The more I pushed God to still be there and still be involved the louder He got.  Then I tried to go to other churches.  Check things out.  And as soon as that thought of, "Ok, maybe I will just plug in here" entered my head God would just slam that door. Lets get one thing straight though.  God can use others, other people from ANYWHERE to speak to you, but he can also speak to your heart so loudly that if you have a committed relationship with Him then you're gonna hear it if you ask for it.  I can talk to you later about that if it makes you pause.

So I stopped.  I mean I stopped trying churches.  I stopped.  I stayed home on Sundays.  I watched sermons, I worshiped with Pandora and Youtube videos.  I continued reading the word.  I continued praying.  I continued being with Jesus. See, Jesus was with me before this life.  Before I knew Him.  Before I gave my human allegiance to him.  And he will be until I draw my dying human breath.  Then he will be with me forever still in a much different way.  Recently I went to a church that I felt the peace of God fall on me in.  It is the first time in 12 months. Longer than that if I can be honest.  But there is another story...again. I was super excited and took a deep long breath.  Caught a cold, went camping, and then came home to a pandemic that has shut down the physical churches.  God prepared me quite thoroughly for this. And I see a few people with rocked worlds because of that.  And I don't know how to teach anyone to find that in an easy way.  Cause if all of this sounds like it was easy for me then I have failed to actually shared my story.

Now read this with the perspective of the moments that happened because I did not stay in these places and some of them I am still battling.  The very life I knew and loved blew away like dust in the wind.  And I was instantly in a place where everything changed.  I was what I did and so losing a job meant I lost a huge piece of myself.  And I was not the same person.  I had to grieve the loss.  I had to grieve the change.  I had to listen to God and there were not a lot of voices that were speaking what He wanted in my life.  They were speaking their truths.  They were speaking what they thought my truths should be.  But not the truth that God was trying to grow me through and into.  I had to come to the place of knowing so that I could handle being out in the world with the truth.  This earth shattering part of my life God called me back to the desert.  I have found that I learn best there and God knows it is too true of me.

And I currently I am really ok with who is in my life.  If I walked away from a relationship, if you walked away, or even if we just faded away.  It is all ok.  Because life is like that.  Nothing stays the same.  Sometimes another human being is meant to be right there with you your whole life and sometimes it is just for a season.  But, what ever it is, if we have not talked for a year or more you need to put in check your assumptions of who I am or have become.  Not assume why you're not a Facebook friend, not why I haven't been seen at church for a while, etc.  Ask me if you want.  Don't play games.  I don't much enjoy small talk any more.  I love talking about the small things in life and the joys and even the struggles. But people who call with an agenda and start with small talk need to realize that I am very intuitive and know when it's coming, usually.  There are people who are reaching out to me because they think I have lost my way or my faith is shaky.  In these difficult times people who identify with Christ go into saving souls mode.  And I have been there.  Made my own mistakes in assumptions.  But anyone who would think that of me, well they do not know me.  The people that know me are the ones that listen to me, ask me life questions, are people that I have mutually decided to continue doing life with...or have chose to start doing life with.  You need to honestly ask the Lord to help you get past what you're feeling.  Cause out of everyone in the world who needs to be reminded who Jesus is, it is not me.

I believe that right now many people are there.  I am not trying to say losing a job or stopping church is like a pandemic or deadly proportions.  But it definitely has proven to present some of the same situations for many people around the world.  And guess what? There are going to be those who push to not have to change... Struggle with identity in the middle of not having a job or a social connection they valued themselves by... Or feel lost without being able to walk into a local church  and get filled with, or utilized by, each week.  I am saying I get that and I see and feel all that struggle.  I have empathy.  I have wisdom from the other side.  That is what I am praying for you all that read this.  I am praying that if you find yourself here, where you just feel like you lost yourself then you should know you are gonna actually find yourself through it and on the other side.  Don't panic. Just seek life.  Seek understanding of what your doing with yours.  And reach out to people with a genuine heart for relationship.  With genuine love.  Not an agenda.  Not because of feeling guilty because you didn't til now.  You gotta work through that yourself.  And then reach out in love and a desire to know and connect with that human being that you are talking or writing to. 

Love you guys.  If you made it through this it is because you understand this is exactly how I talk and we just connected. 

Stephanie

 .  I kept

Thank You Mom

Mom,
I want you to hear something on this day, November 18, 2019. 
Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for loving me.

I woke up this morning remembering that today is the day that was the worst day of my life 30 years ago.
I am sure you know what day it is.  But there are things that should have been said, but never were.  I was such a self absorbed teenager who was so hell bent on failing if I could not succeed and I blamed everyone for everything.  And if someone wasn't to blame I would find fault in little things so I would not have to see my reflection.  Those were years that I rarely thought of others first. 

But I will tell you that I found the meaning of Anthony's life.  He started my heart of empathy and through great grief, how to love.  And it has been a long journey.  And I have been stupidly slow at learning my lessons.  But I have been learning for 30 years. 

Mom, I want you to know that I KNOW that you loved Anthony.  Actually, I was so jealous of you because you loved him in a mature motherly way.  I loved him like an expensive toy that was mine. Oh, I am not saying I didn't truly love him.  But I didn't truly know what love felt like until I lost him and could not do anything about it.  I didn't know what it felt like until I had another child and was terrified that he would die too.  I could tell you all about my process, but quite frankly 30 years would require too many words and I would probably ramble a book and end up losing the true meaning of this.

This is not about me.  This is about you.  And I want to say I am so sorry for your loss.
With each compounding loss in our family of love I have had my heart shatter and it has been in shards for a while. So I have really avoided everyone's grief as much as I can. Even yours.  I am desperately sorry that I have not been there for you.  My God, I know your pain and loss has been so great. I am not wanting to remind you of it, but recognize that I see you.

I see you.  I feel you with my heart.  I feel you with my spirit.  I ache for you.  I love you.

Mom, I remember today through different eyes.  Maturity, wisdom, trials, experience... it all adds up.  And I see you through the eyes of a woman who knows.  I don't want to ever regret not telling you that.  I wrote this poem for you, about you.  I want this day to be one with new meaning.  One that reminds us both of something beautiful...  Love.

My Mom
I thought my mom was a rock,
Who anchored me as a child,
Blocking my way when I was getting lost.

Who would weigh me down as a teen 
With advice and rules that grounded me.
Who would trip me with advice I wasn't ready to hear
Causing ripples in my smooth pond.

I banished my mom to the garden 
Where I only visit to see what I want to see
But as years passed and dust and time covered her
I forgot where she was and what she was made of.

Then there was a day that wisdom made me seek her out
So I dug deep where I thought she would be
Not where I put her, but where she deserved to be
And I will never forget what I found.

I closed my eyes and felt with my hands,
Until I touched something warm and full of life,
I was filled with the strength of a woman, a mother, a wife,
And when I opened my eyes to see,
There was a diamond before me.

Love, Stephanie