Mom,
I want you to hear something on this day, November 18, 2019.
Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for loving me.
I woke up this morning remembering that today is the day that was the worst day of my life 30 years ago.
I am sure you know what day it is. But there are things that should have been said, but never were. I was such a self absorbed teenager who was so hell bent on failing if I could not succeed and I blamed everyone for everything. And if someone wasn't to blame I would find fault in little things so I would not have to see my reflection. Those were years that I rarely thought of others first.
But I will tell you that I found the meaning of Anthony's life. He started my heart of empathy and through great grief, how to love. And it has been a long journey. And I have been stupidly slow at learning my lessons. But I have been learning for 30 years.
Mom, I want you to know that I KNOW that you loved Anthony. Actually, I was so jealous of you because you loved him in a mature motherly way. I loved him like an expensive toy that was mine. Oh, I am not saying I didn't truly love him. But I didn't truly know what love felt like until I lost him and could not do anything about it. I didn't know what it felt like until I had another child and was terrified that he would die too. I could tell you all about my process, but quite frankly 30 years would require too many words and I would probably ramble a book and end up losing the true meaning of this.
This is not about me. This is about you. And I want to say I am so sorry for your loss.
With each compounding loss in our family of love I have had my heart shatter and it has been in shards for a while. So I have really avoided everyone's grief as much as I can. Even yours. I am desperately sorry that I have not been there for you. My God, I know your pain and loss has been so great. I am not wanting to remind you of it, but recognize that I see you.
I see you. I feel you with my heart. I feel you with my spirit. I ache for you. I love you.
Mom, I remember today through different eyes. Maturity, wisdom, trials, experience... it all adds up. And I see you through the eyes of a woman who knows. I don't want to ever regret not telling you that. I wrote this poem for you, about you. I want this day to be one with new meaning. One that reminds us both of something beautiful... Love.
My Mom
I thought my mom was a rock,
Who anchored me as a child,
Blocking my way when I was getting lost.
Who would weigh me down as a teen
With advice and rules that grounded me.
Who would trip me with advice I wasn't ready to hear
Causing ripples in my smooth pond.
I banished my mom to the garden
Where I only visit to see what I want to see
But as years passed and dust and time covered her
I forgot where she was and what she was made of.
Then there was a day that wisdom made me seek her out
So I dug deep where I thought she would be
Not where I put her, but where she deserved to be
And I will never forget what I found.
I closed my eyes and felt with my hands,
Until I touched something warm and full of life,
I was filled with the strength of a woman, a mother, a wife,
And when I opened my eyes to see,
There was a diamond before me.
Love, Stephanie
