Broken Hearted

There is nothing like being at the top of your world and having it crash in on you.  I have had it happen 3 times.  Each time it is the realization that life will never be the same smashing into a great loss of the heart.
I suppose it would be different for each individual.  And some would look at my three and think that they cannot even compare to one another.  But in my life, with my heart, they do.




Number one.  The (first) love of my life was arrested on the eve of his proposing marriage to me.  I was in high school.  Young and thinking my life was finely going right.  I got a call from the sheriffs office from an officer nice enough to let me know my boyfriend would not be showing up to take me to the preplanned night out because he was in jail on 3 counts of murder.  Yes, really.  My life collapsed.  I won't spend this time going through the cascade down that cliff now.

Number two.  I woke to find my 2 month old son, Anthony, dead in his bassinet.  SIDS.  I don't really need to recap the reality of what came after that right now either.

Number three.  After 22 years of marriage I found out my husband was keeping a secret from me for the last 10 years.  Now it wasn't cheating on me.  It wasn't, by the worlds standards, even something that is that big a deal.  But it was to me.  The bigger deal though, was that it was a habit he had been kept from me for 10 years.  That fact was the killer.  And that is the place where I am beginning the story I have been leading up to for the last three posts. Well, where I will begin next time.

I want you to know that despite everything I share, I am at a place of forgiveness.  I am no better than my husband.  I have my own faults that probably notch me higher on the list of things that are bad in one's life.  I am sharing this, and the last two years of my life, so that I can reveal healing to someone who needs it.  Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.  The longest thing I have ever stuck with, in my life. And a daily thing, sometimes, that I have to lay before the Lord to stay in.  I love my husband.  But it is from a different place and a different love than I had for him years ago.  And the most growth we have had started with that tragic day 2 years ago, when I found out I didn't really know him at all.

Lord,
As I, we, travel this journey I went on (and am still on) please protect hearts and minds.  Please minister to hurting people and give the hope and healing that only you can provide.  I love you Lord. More than any one or any thing.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use a trial to touch someone else's life for the better.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

My Time Away...the Beginning.

First Listen to this song. Broken Beautiful Then continue...

We all take breaks from things.  Activities, places, people... And we all have our reasons.  Sometimes we just implode into ourselves as a means of self preservation and build a wall of protection to keep from being beat up by the situation or circumstances.  I have had several such journeys in my life.  All were proceeded by major tears in the fabric of my reality.  You know what I am talking about.  Those moments when something just slams you.  So big, so unexpected, a long long battle, that you are left reeling...

Two years ago was one of those times for me. And it may not seem as monumental as some of the other moments in my life.  My first son dying at two months of age is one example.  But it was probably worse in some ways because it shattered a reality that I had so recently taken a hold of.  A false reality, but one that I thought meant I had finally come to a place in life when all the pieces fit nicely together and life was good.

Now many would wonder at that and some would agree with me.  I had just gotten over my healing from the hysterectomy I got.  I felt like a million dollars.  My husband and I were closer than we had been in years.  I was enjoying my identity.  I was "Christian Woman, Still Together-Married 20+years-to A Nice Guy, Home school Mom, Church Member, Women's Ministry Member, Volunteer, Had it all together, Blah, Blah, Blah. 

It makes me feel jealous to read that.  Then I remember that just because you see the painting doesn't mean you know the artist.  Weird analogy.  But a fitting one. Because anyone who looked at my life would see the same thing and think...

The problem with that thinking, whether about your own life, or someone else's, is that you're ignoring something if you don't see the imperfections in the picture.  And the imperfections are just important to the beauty as the perfect strokes.  But you have to grow into that mindset before that way of thinking will make sense, and at this point in my life, I was not there.  Despite what all I had been through in life, to shape me into who I was at that point.  I still didn't know what growing I had to do.  And it was going to take a fall into the pit of life to start the next stage.

For you, the reader, I want you to know if you are there, then you know what I am saying between all the words. I want you to understand that someone has been there and knows it sucks.  It hurts.  It makes no sense.  It is too much to even deal with  and even in a Christian culture that mantras that saying, "God will not give you more than you can handle"... Sometimes God does.  And in that realization lies part of the answer that will get you through this.  Because the unspoken rest of that is, He will not give you more than you can handle 'With Him'.  

You are not alone.  Even when you feel like you are.  I didn't have many people reach out to me, but I had a friend who was good counsel and spoke truth to me in love.  I took an incredible leap and went to Christian counseling.  I wanted what I was being told to be in line with God's will for my life.  And no matter how mad at God I was I stayed in the bible, reading each night and praying heartfelt, tear filled prayers.  
All of this did not happen over night.  And, as I will discuss in future messages, it was at times, slow going. 

I want you to go to the link that I post at the end and read it. This was a verse from the bible that gave me a small measure of hope. It may not feel true and may not give you the comfort you long for.  But when you look back, when you are through this heartache, you will find that it did. And I will be praying for you as you are traveling your journey and passing through mine.

Romans 5:1-5