Determined to Change my World

My last marriage post I left off with a cliff hanger, of sorts. Because I shared how we got to our dysfunction, but I knew we were not to a place where I could say we were healed.  Where I could say I wanted to stay in my marriage, even if that is what God wanted. I wrote of hope that I hoped to come and prayed prayers for others for the same.
A lot has happened since August of 2014.  A lot of difficult and good situations and outcomes.
We are still going to marriage counseling and, I for one, need it.  It helps us get over the bumps, the hard things to talk about, and helps us to grow in the journey of recovery.
We are recovering and learning to love where we are and who we are.  That is not easy.  When you got problems with who you are, they will become problems to overcome for your spouse too.  And I think we are way more imperfect than we let on, still.  But one day at a time.  I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin.  I don't feel like I have to prove anything.  I am learning to taylor my expectations so that they are reasonable and laced with grace and mercy.  Neither of which have I ever been exceptionally good at.  And I am learning to see the best in my husband, rather than focusing on the things that I allowed irritate me for years.  Those "things" grew so big in my mind that they overshadowed anything good that I should have been focusing on. We have been learning how to be real. Honest to goodness, genuine, Ron and Stephanie.  Boy, that hurts sometimes.
We have survived some disappointment and some redirecting of our lives this last year. We learned how to hope and dream again.  How to pursue something we wanted.  How to handle being told no. How to face losing important wants. That we could be facing much worse.  How to find new dreams and start appreciating today, as much as tomorrow, or yesterday for that matter. Others in our lives have taught us some hard lessons about forgiveness and mercy.  And I am still staggering over some of those.  Realizing that I am an infant in that department.  Only beginning to even understand the fullness of the forgiveness of God.  But with each lesson I am humbled and have a greater appreciation for the attributes that I now seek to live out.
I am determined to change my world for the better by starting with me.  By growing and by encouraging growth in others.  I see 2015 as a year to live it out and I hope that I can let God in enough to end the year saying that I have. Here are some verses that inspire me:

Galatians 5:22-23
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

1 Thesalonnians 2:16-17
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.

1 Colossians1:9-14
 For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,  being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience,  and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.  For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,  in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

1 Peter 3:7-8 (and I think there is a message for both wife and husband in this)
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.

Broken Hearted

There is nothing like being at the top of your world and having it crash in on you.  I have had it happen 3 times.  Each time it is the realization that life will never be the same smashing into a great loss of the heart.
I suppose it would be different for each individual.  And some would look at my three and think that they cannot even compare to one another.  But in my life, with my heart, they do.




Number one.  The (first) love of my life was arrested on the eve of his proposing marriage to me.  I was in high school.  Young and thinking my life was finely going right.  I got a call from the sheriffs office from an officer nice enough to let me know my boyfriend would not be showing up to take me to the preplanned night out because he was in jail on 3 counts of murder.  Yes, really.  My life collapsed.  I won't spend this time going through the cascade down that cliff now.

Number two.  I woke to find my 2 month old son, Anthony, dead in his bassinet.  SIDS.  I don't really need to recap the reality of what came after that right now either.

Number three.  After 22 years of marriage I found out my husband was keeping a secret from me for the last 10 years.  Now it wasn't cheating on me.  It wasn't, by the worlds standards, even something that is that big a deal.  But it was to me.  The bigger deal though, was that it was a habit he had been kept from me for 10 years.  That fact was the killer.  And that is the place where I am beginning the story I have been leading up to for the last three posts. Well, where I will begin next time.

I want you to know that despite everything I share, I am at a place of forgiveness.  I am no better than my husband.  I have my own faults that probably notch me higher on the list of things that are bad in one's life.  I am sharing this, and the last two years of my life, so that I can reveal healing to someone who needs it.  Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.  The longest thing I have ever stuck with, in my life. And a daily thing, sometimes, that I have to lay before the Lord to stay in.  I love my husband.  But it is from a different place and a different love than I had for him years ago.  And the most growth we have had started with that tragic day 2 years ago, when I found out I didn't really know him at all.

Lord,
As I, we, travel this journey I went on (and am still on) please protect hearts and minds.  Please minister to hurting people and give the hope and healing that only you can provide.  I love you Lord. More than any one or any thing.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use a trial to touch someone else's life for the better.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

What's the Matter?

When I am thinking I often get this question.  I am very expressive and my face shows what is going on whether I like it or not.  And when I am thinking it tends to read blank or all tightened up into deep concentration.


I have been very introspective and extrospective lately.  I know, big words.  I love big words. I work at trying to find out what they mean.  Actually I tend to try to find words to actually sum up what I am doing or thinking and sound good too. It makes me laugh.  I am probably someone who can sound so smart and so stupid all in the same conversation.  I am often guilty of making up my own words that do not have a place in the dictionary or trying to use an analogy that is completely off base.  One area I work hard at not doing any of this is when it comes to sharing God's word and His truth. 

I will never forget the impact in had on me, early in my walk with God, to have someone I respected as a teacher misrepresent God and His words to me.  I was very niave about the Lord from a learned prospective and, though I had a personal relationship with Christ, I was trying to learn all I could from those who were wiser and older in the faith.  Nothing wrong in that.  God says in Titus 2:1-8 that Christ's believers should be doing that.  But at the same time everything we hear should be crossreferenced with God's word and character.  Even the best or well meaning mentors and leaders can have misguided beliefs that were passed down to them or that they came up with themselves.  So to learn to be wise ourselves we need to rely heavily on God and be accountable for what is being taught to us.  God will have a reckoning with those people who teach falsely.  After having been lead into false doctrine, teaching, I was lead to where God says in James 3:1-2 (NLT):


Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged more strictly.  Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.


Not only did this make me wary of teaching if I didn't know what I was teaching, but it made me realize my responsibility to help others know what God is really saying if He so leads me that way.  Sometimes even correcting or disagreeing with others.  


Titus 1:9 
He must have a strong belief in the trustworthy message he was taught; then he will be able to encourage others with wholesome teaching and show those who oppose it where they are wrong.

A few other verses that Paul speaks on this subject had to do with the ministry that Timothy was doing in the church at Ephesus.  There were others who were teaching wrong things about the faith.  Paul wrote this epistle to Timothy to remind him of his responsibility to stop false teachers and set things in order in the church. He commanded Timothy to maintain pure teaching and set an example for other churches to follow.  Here are some key passages that cover what I am referring to.  Please always read all around these so that you are seeing the context for yourself and can have confidence in what I am referring to and saying.

1 Timothy 1:3-11
 When I left for Macedonia, I urged you to stay there in Ephesus and stop those whose teaching is contrary to the truth.  Don’t let them waste their time in endless discussion of myths and spiritual pedigrees. These things only lead to meaningless speculations, which don’t help people live a life of faith in God.


The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith. But some people have missed this whole point. They have turned away from these things and spend their time in meaningless discussions. They want to be known as teachers of the law of Moses, but they don’t know what they are talking about, even though they speak so confidently.


We know that the law is good when used correctly. For the law was not intended for people who do what is right. It is for people who are lawless and rebellious, who are ungodly and sinful, who consider nothing sacred and defile what is holy, who kill their father or mother or commit other murders.  The law is for people who are sexually immoral, or who practice homosexuality, or are slave traders, liars, promise breakers, or who do anything else that contradicts the wholesome teaching  that comes from the glorious Good News entrusted to me by our blessed God.

1 Timothy 6:3-5
Some people may contradict our teaching, but these are the wholesome teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. These teachings promote a godly life. Anyone who teaches something different is arrogant and lacks understanding. Such a person has an unhealthy desire to quibble over the meaning of words. This stirs up arguments ending in jealousy, division, slander, and evil suspicions. These people always cause trouble. Their minds are corrupt, and they have turned their backs on the truth. To them, a show of godliness is just a way to become wealthy.

2 Timothy 2:15-19
Work hard so you can present yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good worker, one who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth. Avoid worthless, foolish talk that only leads to more godless behavior. This kind of talk spreads like cancer, as in the case of Hymenaeus and Philetus.  They have left the path of truth, claiming that the resurrection of the dead has already occurred; in this way, they have turned some people away from the faith.


 But God’s truth stands firm like a foundation stone with this inscription: “The Lord knows those who are his,” and “All who belong to the Lord must turn away from evil.”

Some areas we will not know what God intended on meaning, for sure, until we can ask the Savior himself, but we can do our best to make sure we are honoring God through our teaching, and our learning, by aligning it to what we do know of God, His word, and His character.  If it doesn't sound like what you know of God, it may not be.

I have been wrong and corrected several times myself.  And I have learned to accepted this admonishing and correction with grace and humility.  I am a baby of the faith in so many respects.  But I intend on growing and making sure that I am a servant that God is pleased with.  That when I tell someone about Him it is the God I know, not just the God I know about.


2 Timothy 4:2
Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.


I encourage you today to make sure you are doing the same.  Let us walk in faith, by faith, and for faith in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Blessings!