Procrastination or Preparation?

As I face the fact that I have been resisting this post, and finding other things to do. I realize that I have been procrastinating and telling myself the lie that I am preparing my heart for the task.  But in all reality, I just am not sure I am in a place to share the last couple years.  Because I realize some of it still hurts.  But it took writing, up until this point, to realize that it was indeed the case, to the degree it is.  
I am trying to use my experience to encourage others who are going through similar situations and/or disappointments and I am not through with this journey.  Truly though, I think if I waited to be done I would be dead and then I wouldn't share anything at all.  So I am going to do my best to share things from my perspective and my pain and my healing, to the degree I have. Deal?

When I found out that my husband had not been honest with me, about something I thought he had a firm belief about, it made me first, mad.  Then, shocked.  Then, disappointed.  Mad again. Sad, broken, lonely, bitter.  I realized that if something that I thought to be in his moral fiber was not really, then who was this man?  

We had been married for 22 years.  Had more than our share of ups and downs.  Been through joy and grief.  Raising children.  Sticking together through tough stuff.  Successes and failures. Lost and Found.  

I came to the realization, that for him to hide something from me, that I thought he was against, for 10 years, then I didn't really know who he was.  
All the years that I had sworn that he wasn't being honest with me, and was doubting myself, my perception, was really real.  So what else was real and not real.  

Really it is a mind blowing concept to have to face.  And no matter the good intention of a lie (we will leave Christmas presents out of this) it breaks the fabric of a relationship from the moment it starts.  Because after the initial lie or dodging of the truth you will have to keep tabs.  If you are still doing it, what ever it is you're hiding, you will have to cultivate and groom your life to nurture this lie/habit for as long as you hold onto it.

In the middle of all those emotions I shared above, I got numb.  It had to be somewhere between broken, lonely, and bitter.  We started counseling with our pastor and then months later with a therapist.  But my husband kept falling back into his old pattern, that I believe is a foundational flaw in our relationship.  He wouldn't commit to the new habit that would break the old/bad one.  He would start the process and then make excuses and eventually stop working towards fixing things.

The whole time I tried to act like nothing happened to most everyone.  I wanted it to have not happened.  I wanted to forget it.  I wanted to go back.  But one day, one last straw, I realized I didn't want to go back.  

I think that was my problem every other time we hit speed bumps or issues.  I would want it as it was.  Well, for the first time I realized that was not good enough.  Because something had been missing from the beginning and it created this fertile place of disfunction in our marriage and relationship.

I know that it would be so 'Story Perfect' if I could say, "Oh, we were missing God from our lives and we found God and then everything was better."
But I have to break it to you that we were 15 year old Christians.  We were both highly involved in our church.  I have had some people say that to go through this or for this to happen then someone must have not been saved or we/he didn't really know Jesus.  But I will stand and say this is not a faith based thing.  People confuse being saved and being perfect.  Coming to a faith in Christ and realizing how much you need a savior is just the opposite of that.  You realize who you are and that you don't have a leg to stand on without God.  I fully believe that my husband and myself are saved Christians.  I also believe we are sinners.  We are not perfect.  We make mistakes.  And sometimes they are really bad.  But God convicts us in our hearts, and yes it may take years.  It may take intervention, or brokenness to come to terms with it.  Sometimes it is a bad habit we bring into our faith and sometimes it is a temptation we give into after we know it is really wrong.  

I don't know the words God will have for us on the day we stand before Him, but I know he will have a few for me and a few for most everyone about our behavior.  But in the mean time we have to strive to do the best we can to behave in such a way that reflects the heart of God we want to have.

As much as either of us tried, or not, in the last couple of years we did not do a good job of that.  My bitterness became my sin that I embraced and nurtured.  I wanted to hurt him back almost as much as I wanted things to work out.  Not good.  But it is what it was.  And I learned some valuable lessons about myself and others as I walked that road.

Heavenly Father,
I know someone will read this and relate.  I know you do not have me doing this for my own sake alone, though no one surrenders something without receiving something in return.  I pray for myself, and those who read this, that we would continue to receive healing and restoration.  Because I know that is what you call us to.  Restoration to you.  Restoration in our marriages, that are suppose to be a reflection of our relationship with you.
Thank you LORD for caring enough to never leave us or forget us.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

What is Your Path?

How often do you wonder what your path is?  Is it really your path or is it God's path and you just have to figure that out?  I wondered that for years.  Often feeling like it was my path when things were going good and it was a sabotaged plan or God's plan when things were just going wrong; when bad things happened, when it didn't go my way, etc.
I have been a Christian for only 15ish years.  When I think about that I feel like a baby.  For that matter at 42 years (my birthday is on Tuesday) I am told by all the older people at church that I am a baby!  Never would I have dreamed at 20 that anyone would say that when I had doubled my years.  But we are all babies compared to someone else.  Someone who is wiser, who has lived longer, who has experienced more, who has survived much or given up much.
And one of the things God has been kind to me on is learning much in such a short time.  Important things that the world may not value, but things I value because they have changed my life and made it the life I should have dreamed of.  How many of you can say you are living the life, the one that makes you wish for no other?  I can.
It took a change in everything.  My perspective, my value system, my maturity, and my relationship with God.  I know that if you would have told me that 20 years ago I would have told you to get lost.  My dreams were very textbook American and materialistic.  But in the last 15 years God has done something in me.

Psalm 51:10

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

This was not my prayer to start with when God found me.  It was a prayer of deliverance, but not for my heart.  But I didn't realize that it was something I needed. Felt pretty self righteous about my self and my life. My wants and needs were important, to me.  God needed me to live it out some and see what it held for me to be so self focused.  Conflict, loneliness, confusion, anxiety, unstable relationships, etc.

It is when I could no longer be faithful to God and faithful to my idea of how things were suppose to go that God had my full attention as to where he wanted me to go. I truly saw Him when he saved my soul, but I did not see Him relationally for who he was until I got to know Him.  It would have happened faster if I had not been looking for what I thought he should be, but once you get to know someone who they are will be revealed to you if you give time and energy to it.  One day you suddenly realize that something has changed and you suddenly get stuff.  Your heart is changing and you are growing to reflect the character of God more as time goes by.  In no way do you get perfect.  In no way do you stop making human decisions and mess up time to time.  But a pure heart is not perfect, it just has pure intentions and leans the right way.  That makes you stronger and makes your way smoother in life.  There are still just as many bumps in the road, but somehow they just don't feel as bad as they did before. 

Matthew 5:8. 

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

For me I start seeing God's hand in everything, and yet never had to assume that he was calling all the shots.  He just knows what is gonna be and sometimes helps things to go the way they are suppose to, to serve a purpose we cannot even imagine.  Suddenly your eyes open up to all that follows your heart being for God.

  

Psalm 33:21

In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.

 Psalm 13:5

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Lean not on your own understanding...I didn't get it when I thought I did and now that I realize I don't I think I may be closer than I ever have been.  It all falls back to something Jesus said when an 'important' man asked him what the Greatest commandment in God's law was. ( Matthew 22:34-40)

Jesus replied: 

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

Read it time and time again.  Thought I felt it, but as long as I was loving me more than God and others I wasn't getting it.  When I realized that everything hinged on this, and this was God's will for me I suddenly realized that this had to be a choice I made.  The funny thing is I thought it was going to be about obedience, but it ended up being about a change in heart and realizing that God could put that in me once I opened myself up to it.  Now, everything is making sense.  And I am loving people for who they are, created in God's image.  I realize that we are all imperfect and in need and I am here to serve a greater function than making myself happy.  The happiest I have felt is right now.  Not because my life is perfect, but because my heart is in the right place.  I hope that in this you found encouragement and a way to make your own personal relationship with God deeper.

Well, I will have to write more later.  Only 4 days post-surgery and I am tired.  Blessed, grateful, thankful, but tired :)  

Blessings,

Stephanie