Broken Together

A friend shared this video on social media today.  I then shared it with my husband and kids.  It has been a hard few years lately, but with the illusive pursuit of perfection washed we can see things in each other that we did not have the ability to see before. The real us.  The real each other.  And I am finding that is far better than the fairy tale that never was.  Is it perfect? No.  Is it what I thought it would be? No.  But it is it's own kind of wonderful.  Hope this song sparks a reconnection to your spouse.

Determined to Change my World

My last marriage post I left off with a cliff hanger, of sorts. Because I shared how we got to our dysfunction, but I knew we were not to a place where I could say we were healed.  Where I could say I wanted to stay in my marriage, even if that is what God wanted. I wrote of hope that I hoped to come and prayed prayers for others for the same.
A lot has happened since August of 2014.  A lot of difficult and good situations and outcomes.
We are still going to marriage counseling and, I for one, need it.  It helps us get over the bumps, the hard things to talk about, and helps us to grow in the journey of recovery.
We are recovering and learning to love where we are and who we are.  That is not easy.  When you got problems with who you are, they will become problems to overcome for your spouse too.  And I think we are way more imperfect than we let on, still.  But one day at a time.  I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin.  I don't feel like I have to prove anything.  I am learning to taylor my expectations so that they are reasonable and laced with grace and mercy.  Neither of which have I ever been exceptionally good at.  And I am learning to see the best in my husband, rather than focusing on the things that I allowed irritate me for years.  Those "things" grew so big in my mind that they overshadowed anything good that I should have been focusing on. We have been learning how to be real. Honest to goodness, genuine, Ron and Stephanie.  Boy, that hurts sometimes.
We have survived some disappointment and some redirecting of our lives this last year. We learned how to hope and dream again.  How to pursue something we wanted.  How to handle being told no. How to face losing important wants. That we could be facing much worse.  How to find new dreams and start appreciating today, as much as tomorrow, or yesterday for that matter. Others in our lives have taught us some hard lessons about forgiveness and mercy.  And I am still staggering over some of those.  Realizing that I am an infant in that department.  Only beginning to even understand the fullness of the forgiveness of God.  But with each lesson I am humbled and have a greater appreciation for the attributes that I now seek to live out.
I am determined to change my world for the better by starting with me.  By growing and by encouraging growth in others.  I see 2015 as a year to live it out and I hope that I can let God in enough to end the year saying that I have. Here are some verses that inspire me:

Galatians 5:22-23
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

1 Thesalonnians 2:16-17
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.

1 Colossians1:9-14
 For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,  being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience,  and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.  For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,  in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

1 Peter 3:7-8 (and I think there is a message for both wife and husband in this)
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.

Eye Candy or Heirloom Worthy?

So I was thinking the other day about what life looks like.  We often look at everyone else’s life and we base what we think it is like, with so little information or real insight.  Most of the very things that haunt us as blemishes in our own life are hid very well by others.  When someone reveals their secrets, vulnerabilities, or flaws we gasp, are shocked, judge, or admire.  But we never expect it.  Often don’t see it coming.  Or have already found the people “less than” because of something.  Somewhere we get lost in the illusion that anyone has it going perfectly. Or everyone is messed up.  But that it is obvious.

I have met people, know people, who feel their lives are pretty perfect.  But what I have found is that their lives are typically just as messy as mine.  It is just their frame of mind, their perspective, that is perfect.  Even then they will tell you that really they have great moments of weakness.  There are tears and worries, just like us.  But for the most part their thankfulness and recognition of the blessings outweighs the worry and recognition of the trials. The other group has the people that think their life is trash, over, and have given up.  They have lost hope and everyone knows it.  Some of us fall in between those groups.  But our view, and others, are always skewed by what we see.

I don’t want a life that looks perfect to anyone.  But I want to see my life as a life not wasted.  Where growth is present, love abounds, and forgiveness is always present.
I want my children to learn this by my example.

I may not understand the lessons, the hardships, the trials, but I hope that I can grow and shine with the realization that understanding isn’t necessary, but faith and hope is.

An example of this was my recent mental inventory of the things we have actually gotten new.  Not used, not from a thrift store, but store bought new.  Very little have we purchased new, in years.  And the things we had seemed to develop a problem or defect within a year of buying it. Usually right after the warranty was up.    The fridge has dysfunctional water dispensing.  The microwave button began to stick before we had cooked a whole meal.  The big flat tv has a hairline black area on the screen and a mind of it’s own when streaming things. The computer is, well, just a computer with all the quirks of technology and the bugs that come along with it.

Yet, the used stuff, I don’t even think of that.  I think of the great deal, the remarkable repair or restoration made of it, or the usefulness.  Appreciated without the expected warranty period or expectation of working perfectly.  Of course we expect less because we pay less.  Right?  Perceived expectations based on a false sense of worth.  Not on what it’s function is intended to be as much as what the new state of the item is to begin with and how long it can stay that way. And we all know that things are not made like the use to be.  Cheaper made, more costly the price.

But I realize that we do that with stuff and people.  And I also realize that  I am so thankful that God doesn't do that with us.  That he didn't look at us and feel we deserved less because we could not pay, did not live up to, or did not come new with a warranty.  He saw that we were imperfect, sinners that didn't have a way of our own, and gave his Perfect Son as a sacrifice for us to have a relationship with Him and have salvation.  Humanity first chose that false perspective, over God, a long time ago.  But thankfully he sees things a little more clearly and deeply than we do.

It may not sound very flattering to some.  Who still highly value the new.  But I think of myself as a flea market treasure that God saw potential in and decided that he wanted me for what I was, with all my flaws, and paid a new price for me anyway.  I want to have a God’s eye perspective on the potential and I would be surprised if I was the only one.

Just something to ponder.

Romans 5:1-6
Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.

Living Out Your Vows...

When you recited your marriage vows you may not have imagined you would need to follow through on some of them. Young and full of blind infatuation...But now that you must love as God called us to love, how many have you survived through? How many have you broken?

Ron and I have been through it all. It is not easy. But sometimes the love shines through the commitment, rather than the feeling. Praying for my friends who are struggling with theirs and continuing to pray for my own as we survive the trials of this fallen world.

Procrastination or Preparation?

As I face the fact that I have been resisting this post, and finding other things to do. I realize that I have been procrastinating and telling myself the lie that I am preparing my heart for the task.  But in all reality, I just am not sure I am in a place to share the last couple years.  Because I realize some of it still hurts.  But it took writing, up until this point, to realize that it was indeed the case, to the degree it is.  
I am trying to use my experience to encourage others who are going through similar situations and/or disappointments and I am not through with this journey.  Truly though, I think if I waited to be done I would be dead and then I wouldn't share anything at all.  So I am going to do my best to share things from my perspective and my pain and my healing, to the degree I have. Deal?

When I found out that my husband had not been honest with me, about something I thought he had a firm belief about, it made me first, mad.  Then, shocked.  Then, disappointed.  Mad again. Sad, broken, lonely, bitter.  I realized that if something that I thought to be in his moral fiber was not really, then who was this man?  

We had been married for 22 years.  Had more than our share of ups and downs.  Been through joy and grief.  Raising children.  Sticking together through tough stuff.  Successes and failures. Lost and Found.  

I came to the realization, that for him to hide something from me, that I thought he was against, for 10 years, then I didn't really know who he was.  
All the years that I had sworn that he wasn't being honest with me, and was doubting myself, my perception, was really real.  So what else was real and not real.  

Really it is a mind blowing concept to have to face.  And no matter the good intention of a lie (we will leave Christmas presents out of this) it breaks the fabric of a relationship from the moment it starts.  Because after the initial lie or dodging of the truth you will have to keep tabs.  If you are still doing it, what ever it is you're hiding, you will have to cultivate and groom your life to nurture this lie/habit for as long as you hold onto it.

In the middle of all those emotions I shared above, I got numb.  It had to be somewhere between broken, lonely, and bitter.  We started counseling with our pastor and then months later with a therapist.  But my husband kept falling back into his old pattern, that I believe is a foundational flaw in our relationship.  He wouldn't commit to the new habit that would break the old/bad one.  He would start the process and then make excuses and eventually stop working towards fixing things.

The whole time I tried to act like nothing happened to most everyone.  I wanted it to have not happened.  I wanted to forget it.  I wanted to go back.  But one day, one last straw, I realized I didn't want to go back.  

I think that was my problem every other time we hit speed bumps or issues.  I would want it as it was.  Well, for the first time I realized that was not good enough.  Because something had been missing from the beginning and it created this fertile place of disfunction in our marriage and relationship.

I know that it would be so 'Story Perfect' if I could say, "Oh, we were missing God from our lives and we found God and then everything was better."
But I have to break it to you that we were 15 year old Christians.  We were both highly involved in our church.  I have had some people say that to go through this or for this to happen then someone must have not been saved or we/he didn't really know Jesus.  But I will stand and say this is not a faith based thing.  People confuse being saved and being perfect.  Coming to a faith in Christ and realizing how much you need a savior is just the opposite of that.  You realize who you are and that you don't have a leg to stand on without God.  I fully believe that my husband and myself are saved Christians.  I also believe we are sinners.  We are not perfect.  We make mistakes.  And sometimes they are really bad.  But God convicts us in our hearts, and yes it may take years.  It may take intervention, or brokenness to come to terms with it.  Sometimes it is a bad habit we bring into our faith and sometimes it is a temptation we give into after we know it is really wrong.  

I don't know the words God will have for us on the day we stand before Him, but I know he will have a few for me and a few for most everyone about our behavior.  But in the mean time we have to strive to do the best we can to behave in such a way that reflects the heart of God we want to have.

As much as either of us tried, or not, in the last couple of years we did not do a good job of that.  My bitterness became my sin that I embraced and nurtured.  I wanted to hurt him back almost as much as I wanted things to work out.  Not good.  But it is what it was.  And I learned some valuable lessons about myself and others as I walked that road.

Heavenly Father,
I know someone will read this and relate.  I know you do not have me doing this for my own sake alone, though no one surrenders something without receiving something in return.  I pray for myself, and those who read this, that we would continue to receive healing and restoration.  Because I know that is what you call us to.  Restoration to you.  Restoration in our marriages, that are suppose to be a reflection of our relationship with you.
Thank you LORD for caring enough to never leave us or forget us.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

When the Past blesses the Present

It amazes me when the past comes and blesses the present. Just a couple of days ago I got an friend invite on facebook from a child that we sponsored through Food for the Hungry several years ago. We had sponsored him and his sister for many years, until Food for the Hungry pulled out of their community. And we have often wondered what has happened with those children that we prayed for, went and visited, went on short-term missions to help build in their community and do VBS, and helped to feed them and provide them with an education, all in the name of Jesus Christ. We have pictures of them hanging in our house as they are still members of our family.
So when we actually got those friend requests from the little boy, who is now 20, it was like God saying, “It may seem like a small thing, it may seem like something that ended, but I want you to know that it’s something that meant something to someone in this life and you did it in My Name. A grown young man with a passion for Jesus who sought out a family who cared about him for a time in his life. Thank you Lord for this reminder of how you can use us to impact others in ways greater than we realize.