Doomsday Friends, New And Old Lives, And Many "To Be Continued"...

I am trying to remember all my counseling verbiage while writing this.  My "I" feelings and opinions... but I will confess it is hard.  Because my story feels so personal and because I have tried to reconnect with people when I have been on the other side of the fence for all the right, and wrong, reasons.

If you know me now, and read old posts or knew me before, you may not believe I am the same person I was 5, 10, or 20 years ago.  And honestly, I am not.  I am the same body and the same biological being, only that much older.  Who I am mentally and spiritually, well that is a different story.  But it is my story.  And if you want to know it then keep reading.  If you think you already know it I guess it is up to you to face the fact that you could be wrong, even if you end up being right.

The reason I am writing this all down is because I need to.  I am a sensitive person.  I am also very intuitive.  I have a hard time not being brutally honest and am too transparent most of the time.  I also find that I am full of honest joy and love people.  I want to make people happy. But I am growing out of that people-pleaser part of my life.  I still want to do kind things that bring people happiness.  That is way different though and another story. 

The reason I am writing this is because I don't think I am alone.  I think there are a few people who need to really evaluate why they are doing what they do.  I have been receiving calls, fb messages, emails, etc. from people who I have not even heard from in a year...or more.  Trying to really digest the reason has brought me to this point. There is a time an place for everything.  And that goes for relationships. 

There was an abrupt end to my job in February of 2019.  There isn't an easy answer to why and beyond saying that I got a concrete answer from God that He did not want me there any more is about all that needs to be said.  This last year has been a time that has proven that I heard God right and I have been receiving blessings on the rainy days.  Here is the link to the song that inspired my blog and my ever sporadic posts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

This decision was followed by myself and my family leaving the church where I had worked.  The truth was that where God wanted me to work/serve/relate was not there.  I often pray for God to open doors or slam them shut.  He slammed them.  Not people, but God did.  And I truly believe this.  But to make it perfectly clear, my relationship with God, with Jesus, His plan for my purpose was in no way shaken. People get hung up on that.  Somehow they equate someone leaving a church with a faulty walk with God.  But that was not my case.  And I will completely confess that I have not always thought that of others, but I thought it enough that it colored how I interacted with people who left a church I was at.  And there were times in my past that I did leave another church because my heart was not in the right place.  That is another story though. Good to note because a lot of growth came from that experience.  The more I pushed God to still be there and still be involved the louder He got.  Then I tried to go to other churches.  Check things out.  And as soon as that thought of, "Ok, maybe I will just plug in here" entered my head God would just slam that door. Lets get one thing straight though.  God can use others, other people from ANYWHERE to speak to you, but he can also speak to your heart so loudly that if you have a committed relationship with Him then you're gonna hear it if you ask for it.  I can talk to you later about that if it makes you pause.

So I stopped.  I mean I stopped trying churches.  I stopped.  I stayed home on Sundays.  I watched sermons, I worshiped with Pandora and Youtube videos.  I continued reading the word.  I continued praying.  I continued being with Jesus. See, Jesus was with me before this life.  Before I knew Him.  Before I gave my human allegiance to him.  And he will be until I draw my dying human breath.  Then he will be with me forever still in a much different way.  Recently I went to a church that I felt the peace of God fall on me in.  It is the first time in 12 months. Longer than that if I can be honest.  But there is another story...again. I was super excited and took a deep long breath.  Caught a cold, went camping, and then came home to a pandemic that has shut down the physical churches.  God prepared me quite thoroughly for this. And I see a few people with rocked worlds because of that.  And I don't know how to teach anyone to find that in an easy way.  Cause if all of this sounds like it was easy for me then I have failed to actually shared my story.

Now read this with the perspective of the moments that happened because I did not stay in these places and some of them I am still battling.  The very life I knew and loved blew away like dust in the wind.  And I was instantly in a place where everything changed.  I was what I did and so losing a job meant I lost a huge piece of myself.  And I was not the same person.  I had to grieve the loss.  I had to grieve the change.  I had to listen to God and there were not a lot of voices that were speaking what He wanted in my life.  They were speaking their truths.  They were speaking what they thought my truths should be.  But not the truth that God was trying to grow me through and into.  I had to come to the place of knowing so that I could handle being out in the world with the truth.  This earth shattering part of my life God called me back to the desert.  I have found that I learn best there and God knows it is too true of me.

And I currently I am really ok with who is in my life.  If I walked away from a relationship, if you walked away, or even if we just faded away.  It is all ok.  Because life is like that.  Nothing stays the same.  Sometimes another human being is meant to be right there with you your whole life and sometimes it is just for a season.  But, what ever it is, if we have not talked for a year or more you need to put in check your assumptions of who I am or have become.  Not assume why you're not a Facebook friend, not why I haven't been seen at church for a while, etc.  Ask me if you want.  Don't play games.  I don't much enjoy small talk any more.  I love talking about the small things in life and the joys and even the struggles. But people who call with an agenda and start with small talk need to realize that I am very intuitive and know when it's coming, usually.  There are people who are reaching out to me because they think I have lost my way or my faith is shaky.  In these difficult times people who identify with Christ go into saving souls mode.  And I have been there.  Made my own mistakes in assumptions.  But anyone who would think that of me, well they do not know me.  The people that know me are the ones that listen to me, ask me life questions, are people that I have mutually decided to continue doing life with...or have chose to start doing life with.  You need to honestly ask the Lord to help you get past what you're feeling.  Cause out of everyone in the world who needs to be reminded who Jesus is, it is not me.

I believe that right now many people are there.  I am not trying to say losing a job or stopping church is like a pandemic or deadly proportions.  But it definitely has proven to present some of the same situations for many people around the world.  And guess what? There are going to be those who push to not have to change... Struggle with identity in the middle of not having a job or a social connection they valued themselves by... Or feel lost without being able to walk into a local church  and get filled with, or utilized by, each week.  I am saying I get that and I see and feel all that struggle.  I have empathy.  I have wisdom from the other side.  That is what I am praying for you all that read this.  I am praying that if you find yourself here, where you just feel like you lost yourself then you should know you are gonna actually find yourself through it and on the other side.  Don't panic. Just seek life.  Seek understanding of what your doing with yours.  And reach out to people with a genuine heart for relationship.  With genuine love.  Not an agenda.  Not because of feeling guilty because you didn't til now.  You gotta work through that yourself.  And then reach out in love and a desire to know and connect with that human being that you are talking or writing to. 

Love you guys.  If you made it through this it is because you understand this is exactly how I talk and we just connected. 

Stephanie

 .  I kept

Thank You Mom

Mom,
I want you to hear something on this day, November 18, 2019. 
Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for loving me.

I woke up this morning remembering that today is the day that was the worst day of my life 30 years ago.
I am sure you know what day it is.  But there are things that should have been said, but never were.  I was such a self absorbed teenager who was so hell bent on failing if I could not succeed and I blamed everyone for everything.  And if someone wasn't to blame I would find fault in little things so I would not have to see my reflection.  Those were years that I rarely thought of others first. 

But I will tell you that I found the meaning of Anthony's life.  He started my heart of empathy and through great grief, how to love.  And it has been a long journey.  And I have been stupidly slow at learning my lessons.  But I have been learning for 30 years. 

Mom, I want you to know that I KNOW that you loved Anthony.  Actually, I was so jealous of you because you loved him in a mature motherly way.  I loved him like an expensive toy that was mine. Oh, I am not saying I didn't truly love him.  But I didn't truly know what love felt like until I lost him and could not do anything about it.  I didn't know what it felt like until I had another child and was terrified that he would die too.  I could tell you all about my process, but quite frankly 30 years would require too many words and I would probably ramble a book and end up losing the true meaning of this.

This is not about me.  This is about you.  And I want to say I am so sorry for your loss.
With each compounding loss in our family of love I have had my heart shatter and it has been in shards for a while. So I have really avoided everyone's grief as much as I can. Even yours.  I am desperately sorry that I have not been there for you.  My God, I know your pain and loss has been so great. I am not wanting to remind you of it, but recognize that I see you.

I see you.  I feel you with my heart.  I feel you with my spirit.  I ache for you.  I love you.

Mom, I remember today through different eyes.  Maturity, wisdom, trials, experience... it all adds up.  And I see you through the eyes of a woman who knows.  I don't want to ever regret not telling you that.  I wrote this poem for you, about you.  I want this day to be one with new meaning.  One that reminds us both of something beautiful...  Love.

My Mom
I thought my mom was a rock,
Who anchored me as a child,
Blocking my way when I was getting lost.

Who would weigh me down as a teen 
With advice and rules that grounded me.
Who would trip me with advice I wasn't ready to hear
Causing ripples in my smooth pond.

I banished my mom to the garden 
Where I only visit to see what I want to see
But as years passed and dust and time covered her
I forgot where she was and what she was made of.

Then there was a day that wisdom made me seek her out
So I dug deep where I thought she would be
Not where I put her, but where she deserved to be
And I will never forget what I found.

I closed my eyes and felt with my hands,
Until I touched something warm and full of life,
I was filled with the strength of a woman, a mother, a wife,
And when I opened my eyes to see,
There was a diamond before me.

Love, Stephanie

Broken Together

A friend shared this video on social media today.  I then shared it with my husband and kids.  It has been a hard few years lately, but with the illusive pursuit of perfection washed we can see things in each other that we did not have the ability to see before. The real us.  The real each other.  And I am finding that is far better than the fairy tale that never was.  Is it perfect? No.  Is it what I thought it would be? No.  But it is it's own kind of wonderful.  Hope this song sparks a reconnection to your spouse.

Determined to Change my World

My last marriage post I left off with a cliff hanger, of sorts. Because I shared how we got to our dysfunction, but I knew we were not to a place where I could say we were healed.  Where I could say I wanted to stay in my marriage, even if that is what God wanted. I wrote of hope that I hoped to come and prayed prayers for others for the same.
A lot has happened since August of 2014.  A lot of difficult and good situations and outcomes.
We are still going to marriage counseling and, I for one, need it.  It helps us get over the bumps, the hard things to talk about, and helps us to grow in the journey of recovery.
We are recovering and learning to love where we are and who we are.  That is not easy.  When you got problems with who you are, they will become problems to overcome for your spouse too.  And I think we are way more imperfect than we let on, still.  But one day at a time.  I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin.  I don't feel like I have to prove anything.  I am learning to taylor my expectations so that they are reasonable and laced with grace and mercy.  Neither of which have I ever been exceptionally good at.  And I am learning to see the best in my husband, rather than focusing on the things that I allowed irritate me for years.  Those "things" grew so big in my mind that they overshadowed anything good that I should have been focusing on. We have been learning how to be real. Honest to goodness, genuine, Ron and Stephanie.  Boy, that hurts sometimes.
We have survived some disappointment and some redirecting of our lives this last year. We learned how to hope and dream again.  How to pursue something we wanted.  How to handle being told no. How to face losing important wants. That we could be facing much worse.  How to find new dreams and start appreciating today, as much as tomorrow, or yesterday for that matter. Others in our lives have taught us some hard lessons about forgiveness and mercy.  And I am still staggering over some of those.  Realizing that I am an infant in that department.  Only beginning to even understand the fullness of the forgiveness of God.  But with each lesson I am humbled and have a greater appreciation for the attributes that I now seek to live out.
I am determined to change my world for the better by starting with me.  By growing and by encouraging growth in others.  I see 2015 as a year to live it out and I hope that I can let God in enough to end the year saying that I have. Here are some verses that inspire me:

Galatians 5:22-23
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

1 Thesalonnians 2:16-17
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.

1 Colossians1:9-14
 For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,  being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience,  and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.  For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,  in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

1 Peter 3:7-8 (and I think there is a message for both wife and husband in this)
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.

Eye Candy or Heirloom Worthy?

So I was thinking the other day about what life looks like.  We often look at everyone else’s life and we base what we think it is like, with so little information or real insight.  Most of the very things that haunt us as blemishes in our own life are hid very well by others.  When someone reveals their secrets, vulnerabilities, or flaws we gasp, are shocked, judge, or admire.  But we never expect it.  Often don’t see it coming.  Or have already found the people “less than” because of something.  Somewhere we get lost in the illusion that anyone has it going perfectly. Or everyone is messed up.  But that it is obvious.

I have met people, know people, who feel their lives are pretty perfect.  But what I have found is that their lives are typically just as messy as mine.  It is just their frame of mind, their perspective, that is perfect.  Even then they will tell you that really they have great moments of weakness.  There are tears and worries, just like us.  But for the most part their thankfulness and recognition of the blessings outweighs the worry and recognition of the trials. The other group has the people that think their life is trash, over, and have given up.  They have lost hope and everyone knows it.  Some of us fall in between those groups.  But our view, and others, are always skewed by what we see.

I don’t want a life that looks perfect to anyone.  But I want to see my life as a life not wasted.  Where growth is present, love abounds, and forgiveness is always present.
I want my children to learn this by my example.

I may not understand the lessons, the hardships, the trials, but I hope that I can grow and shine with the realization that understanding isn’t necessary, but faith and hope is.

An example of this was my recent mental inventory of the things we have actually gotten new.  Not used, not from a thrift store, but store bought new.  Very little have we purchased new, in years.  And the things we had seemed to develop a problem or defect within a year of buying it. Usually right after the warranty was up.    The fridge has dysfunctional water dispensing.  The microwave button began to stick before we had cooked a whole meal.  The big flat tv has a hairline black area on the screen and a mind of it’s own when streaming things. The computer is, well, just a computer with all the quirks of technology and the bugs that come along with it.

Yet, the used stuff, I don’t even think of that.  I think of the great deal, the remarkable repair or restoration made of it, or the usefulness.  Appreciated without the expected warranty period or expectation of working perfectly.  Of course we expect less because we pay less.  Right?  Perceived expectations based on a false sense of worth.  Not on what it’s function is intended to be as much as what the new state of the item is to begin with and how long it can stay that way. And we all know that things are not made like the use to be.  Cheaper made, more costly the price.

But I realize that we do that with stuff and people.  And I also realize that  I am so thankful that God doesn't do that with us.  That he didn't look at us and feel we deserved less because we could not pay, did not live up to, or did not come new with a warranty.  He saw that we were imperfect, sinners that didn't have a way of our own, and gave his Perfect Son as a sacrifice for us to have a relationship with Him and have salvation.  Humanity first chose that false perspective, over God, a long time ago.  But thankfully he sees things a little more clearly and deeply than we do.

It may not sound very flattering to some.  Who still highly value the new.  But I think of myself as a flea market treasure that God saw potential in and decided that he wanted me for what I was, with all my flaws, and paid a new price for me anyway.  I want to have a God’s eye perspective on the potential and I would be surprised if I was the only one.

Just something to ponder.

Romans 5:1-6
Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.

Living Out Your Vows...

When you recited your marriage vows you may not have imagined you would need to follow through on some of them. Young and full of blind infatuation...But now that you must love as God called us to love, how many have you survived through? How many have you broken?

Ron and I have been through it all. It is not easy. But sometimes the love shines through the commitment, rather than the feeling. Praying for my friends who are struggling with theirs and continuing to pray for my own as we survive the trials of this fallen world.

Procrastination or Preparation?

As I face the fact that I have been resisting this post, and finding other things to do. I realize that I have been procrastinating and telling myself the lie that I am preparing my heart for the task.  But in all reality, I just am not sure I am in a place to share the last couple years.  Because I realize some of it still hurts.  But it took writing, up until this point, to realize that it was indeed the case, to the degree it is.  
I am trying to use my experience to encourage others who are going through similar situations and/or disappointments and I am not through with this journey.  Truly though, I think if I waited to be done I would be dead and then I wouldn't share anything at all.  So I am going to do my best to share things from my perspective and my pain and my healing, to the degree I have. Deal?

When I found out that my husband had not been honest with me, about something I thought he had a firm belief about, it made me first, mad.  Then, shocked.  Then, disappointed.  Mad again. Sad, broken, lonely, bitter.  I realized that if something that I thought to be in his moral fiber was not really, then who was this man?  

We had been married for 22 years.  Had more than our share of ups and downs.  Been through joy and grief.  Raising children.  Sticking together through tough stuff.  Successes and failures. Lost and Found.  

I came to the realization, that for him to hide something from me, that I thought he was against, for 10 years, then I didn't really know who he was.  
All the years that I had sworn that he wasn't being honest with me, and was doubting myself, my perception, was really real.  So what else was real and not real.  

Really it is a mind blowing concept to have to face.  And no matter the good intention of a lie (we will leave Christmas presents out of this) it breaks the fabric of a relationship from the moment it starts.  Because after the initial lie or dodging of the truth you will have to keep tabs.  If you are still doing it, what ever it is you're hiding, you will have to cultivate and groom your life to nurture this lie/habit for as long as you hold onto it.

In the middle of all those emotions I shared above, I got numb.  It had to be somewhere between broken, lonely, and bitter.  We started counseling with our pastor and then months later with a therapist.  But my husband kept falling back into his old pattern, that I believe is a foundational flaw in our relationship.  He wouldn't commit to the new habit that would break the old/bad one.  He would start the process and then make excuses and eventually stop working towards fixing things.

The whole time I tried to act like nothing happened to most everyone.  I wanted it to have not happened.  I wanted to forget it.  I wanted to go back.  But one day, one last straw, I realized I didn't want to go back.  

I think that was my problem every other time we hit speed bumps or issues.  I would want it as it was.  Well, for the first time I realized that was not good enough.  Because something had been missing from the beginning and it created this fertile place of disfunction in our marriage and relationship.

I know that it would be so 'Story Perfect' if I could say, "Oh, we were missing God from our lives and we found God and then everything was better."
But I have to break it to you that we were 15 year old Christians.  We were both highly involved in our church.  I have had some people say that to go through this or for this to happen then someone must have not been saved or we/he didn't really know Jesus.  But I will stand and say this is not a faith based thing.  People confuse being saved and being perfect.  Coming to a faith in Christ and realizing how much you need a savior is just the opposite of that.  You realize who you are and that you don't have a leg to stand on without God.  I fully believe that my husband and myself are saved Christians.  I also believe we are sinners.  We are not perfect.  We make mistakes.  And sometimes they are really bad.  But God convicts us in our hearts, and yes it may take years.  It may take intervention, or brokenness to come to terms with it.  Sometimes it is a bad habit we bring into our faith and sometimes it is a temptation we give into after we know it is really wrong.  

I don't know the words God will have for us on the day we stand before Him, but I know he will have a few for me and a few for most everyone about our behavior.  But in the mean time we have to strive to do the best we can to behave in such a way that reflects the heart of God we want to have.

As much as either of us tried, or not, in the last couple of years we did not do a good job of that.  My bitterness became my sin that I embraced and nurtured.  I wanted to hurt him back almost as much as I wanted things to work out.  Not good.  But it is what it was.  And I learned some valuable lessons about myself and others as I walked that road.

Heavenly Father,
I know someone will read this and relate.  I know you do not have me doing this for my own sake alone, though no one surrenders something without receiving something in return.  I pray for myself, and those who read this, that we would continue to receive healing and restoration.  Because I know that is what you call us to.  Restoration to you.  Restoration in our marriages, that are suppose to be a reflection of our relationship with you.
Thank you LORD for caring enough to never leave us or forget us.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

Moments of Clarity

God's Not Dead. 

Boy that can sound intimidating, depending on the side of the fence you're sitting on. 

I am sure if you are a Christian you have seen the movie (right?!) because of the press and the many churches that have shown it and promoted it.  And, if you are not a Christian, well, I am sure you are so sick of hearing about it.  Hearing about the Robertsons (Duck Dynasty) and their beliefs.  About the movie that the Christians are all toting.  About the text messages that everyone is getting, 'God's Not Dead'.  Am I right?  Probably. Or maybe you haven't heard a thing. 

I admit I have wanted to see it.  But, until tonight, I just hadn't.  One thing or another came up.  And that is pretty typical of life.  Everyone I talk to has stuff coming up.  Some of it really ugly in their lives.  Some of it just busy.  Some of it overwhelming in obligations or demands made on them.  Right? You too?

My life has felt like that for so long.  So long.  I just jump from one set of gotta do's to another.  If you looked at my life in retrospect you would see a Multiple Personality Disordered life.  No disrespect of mental disorders intended.  All the times I have done 180s and, I bet you would have stories to come back at me with. It is just life.

There are moments though, when life gains a whole lot of clarity in a very short amount of time.  And sometimes we get so dang excited about it that we want to tell everyone.  

And some nice people shake their heads and smile and say, "Wow, that's great!"  

And some nice people wrinkle up their eyebrows and say, "Err...that is really interesting." 

And, some nice people cut you off before you get three words out of your mouth and say, "I am not interested."

I do that to salesmen at the door.  I do that to other faiths that I don't believe in or agree with.  So I am not that different than those who do that to me.  I probably don't deserve the time of day to recount my exciting revelation or moments of clarity.  But thankfully, it really isn't about me.

My walk the other day that started my blogging again, well, that wasn't about me.

And the revelations that I got from that walk (Come Awake, well, they aren't really about me either.

And what I write about, well, that is about me.  But it is not really for me.  And ultimately it isn't so much about me either.

I know in 1997 when I first became a Christian because of a crazy, and I use that word in a worldly sense, dream that I had.  Well, I know that people just thought Stephanie was having a crazy moment, a passing fad, another 180, another stage in her life.  And if I was on the outside looking in I think at first I would have thought the same thing too.  Some people I know stopped being my friends.  Got angry.  Refuted my new beliefs.  Called me bible thumper.  I didn't know people really did that.  Actually, at the time I didn't even understand what that was.  I was amazed, actually, at the fact that an admission of Christianity could bring out so many negative  feelings in others.

I was a baby, brand new Christian.  And that being said, I only knew that Jesus saved me.  

I didn't know how.  

I didn't know why.  

I didn't know who he was.  

He was a baby in a bed of hay under the Christmas tree.  

That was it.  But that dream, that vision...What ever you want to call it, it changed my life and made me want to know who he was.  I was desperate to know.  

Because at a point in my life when I was willing to give up everything because I selfishly didn't think I was worth anything this Jesus thought enough of me to invade my dream and save me in such a way that spoke to me.

I still think it sounds crazy.  

It has been almost 20 years since that night. Almost to the month. 

And no matter the 180s I have made since then, there is one 360 that I never stopped doing.  That is, turning to God and, believing in Jesus.  I am just as much a sinner as either group I started this with. By sinner, I mean someone who has not lived a perfect life free of guilt and doing what is wrong. And I will not claim to be perfect because I am a Christian.  I am simply saved.  I recognize my need for a Savior and I chose to believe in the one who died to save me.  There is a lot of other stuff that came after that.  Some good.  Some bad.  But the one truth remained the same.  I cannot imagine how I would have made it through the tough stuff of life without having God there.  And there is nothing I could possibly say in my own words that could even convey it to you.  The magnitude is unbelievable.  But I can tell you one thing.  God's Not Dead.  

If you haven't see the movie, see it.  It won't hurt you.  It might seem a little crazy at times.  But it might be just what you're looking for... to answer a few questions that keep bugging you. And if not. Then it was just a movie to you.  Thank God for free will, right? ;)

Either way, I hope you see it.  It was pretty darn good.

I included the trailer just in case you haven't seen it or the movie.

Broken Hearted

There is nothing like being at the top of your world and having it crash in on you.  I have had it happen 3 times.  Each time it is the realization that life will never be the same smashing into a great loss of the heart.
I suppose it would be different for each individual.  And some would look at my three and think that they cannot even compare to one another.  But in my life, with my heart, they do.




Number one.  The (first) love of my life was arrested on the eve of his proposing marriage to me.  I was in high school.  Young and thinking my life was finely going right.  I got a call from the sheriffs office from an officer nice enough to let me know my boyfriend would not be showing up to take me to the preplanned night out because he was in jail on 3 counts of murder.  Yes, really.  My life collapsed.  I won't spend this time going through the cascade down that cliff now.

Number two.  I woke to find my 2 month old son, Anthony, dead in his bassinet.  SIDS.  I don't really need to recap the reality of what came after that right now either.

Number three.  After 22 years of marriage I found out my husband was keeping a secret from me for the last 10 years.  Now it wasn't cheating on me.  It wasn't, by the worlds standards, even something that is that big a deal.  But it was to me.  The bigger deal though, was that it was a habit he had been kept from me for 10 years.  That fact was the killer.  And that is the place where I am beginning the story I have been leading up to for the last three posts. Well, where I will begin next time.

I want you to know that despite everything I share, I am at a place of forgiveness.  I am no better than my husband.  I have my own faults that probably notch me higher on the list of things that are bad in one's life.  I am sharing this, and the last two years of my life, so that I can reveal healing to someone who needs it.  Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.  The longest thing I have ever stuck with, in my life. And a daily thing, sometimes, that I have to lay before the Lord to stay in.  I love my husband.  But it is from a different place and a different love than I had for him years ago.  And the most growth we have had started with that tragic day 2 years ago, when I found out I didn't really know him at all.

Lord,
As I, we, travel this journey I went on (and am still on) please protect hearts and minds.  Please minister to hurting people and give the hope and healing that only you can provide.  I love you Lord. More than any one or any thing.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use a trial to touch someone else's life for the better.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

My Time Away...the Beginning.

First Listen to this song. Broken Beautiful Then continue...

We all take breaks from things.  Activities, places, people... And we all have our reasons.  Sometimes we just implode into ourselves as a means of self preservation and build a wall of protection to keep from being beat up by the situation or circumstances.  I have had several such journeys in my life.  All were proceeded by major tears in the fabric of my reality.  You know what I am talking about.  Those moments when something just slams you.  So big, so unexpected, a long long battle, that you are left reeling...

Two years ago was one of those times for me. And it may not seem as monumental as some of the other moments in my life.  My first son dying at two months of age is one example.  But it was probably worse in some ways because it shattered a reality that I had so recently taken a hold of.  A false reality, but one that I thought meant I had finally come to a place in life when all the pieces fit nicely together and life was good.

Now many would wonder at that and some would agree with me.  I had just gotten over my healing from the hysterectomy I got.  I felt like a million dollars.  My husband and I were closer than we had been in years.  I was enjoying my identity.  I was "Christian Woman, Still Together-Married 20+years-to A Nice Guy, Home school Mom, Church Member, Women's Ministry Member, Volunteer, Had it all together, Blah, Blah, Blah. 

It makes me feel jealous to read that.  Then I remember that just because you see the painting doesn't mean you know the artist.  Weird analogy.  But a fitting one. Because anyone who looked at my life would see the same thing and think...

The problem with that thinking, whether about your own life, or someone else's, is that you're ignoring something if you don't see the imperfections in the picture.  And the imperfections are just important to the beauty as the perfect strokes.  But you have to grow into that mindset before that way of thinking will make sense, and at this point in my life, I was not there.  Despite what all I had been through in life, to shape me into who I was at that point.  I still didn't know what growing I had to do.  And it was going to take a fall into the pit of life to start the next stage.

For you, the reader, I want you to know if you are there, then you know what I am saying between all the words. I want you to understand that someone has been there and knows it sucks.  It hurts.  It makes no sense.  It is too much to even deal with  and even in a Christian culture that mantras that saying, "God will not give you more than you can handle"... Sometimes God does.  And in that realization lies part of the answer that will get you through this.  Because the unspoken rest of that is, He will not give you more than you can handle 'With Him'.  

You are not alone.  Even when you feel like you are.  I didn't have many people reach out to me, but I had a friend who was good counsel and spoke truth to me in love.  I took an incredible leap and went to Christian counseling.  I wanted what I was being told to be in line with God's will for my life.  And no matter how mad at God I was I stayed in the bible, reading each night and praying heartfelt, tear filled prayers.  
All of this did not happen over night.  And, as I will discuss in future messages, it was at times, slow going. 

I want you to go to the link that I post at the end and read it. This was a verse from the bible that gave me a small measure of hope. It may not feel true and may not give you the comfort you long for.  But when you look back, when you are through this heartache, you will find that it did. And I will be praying for you as you are traveling your journey and passing through mine.

Romans 5:1-5

Come Awake

I am going to try and break up the last two years into swallowable portions.  I have read over all my other posts and realize some of them are so long.  Add to that, the fact that I haven't written during some of the most difficult two years of my life...I know hard to imagine it being worse than it ever was...and it makes for a novel.  Do not fear though, I will not write a book in one sitting.  Suffice it to say that the woman who was here two years ago, content with life and having it all, despite the odds, was put to the test and I went into a two year coma of trying to find that faith I thought I had been living out prior to my lift exploding. I make no promises how long it will take to catch up to my present, but I will try to mix in the "now and then" as evenly as possible, and in it all find the place of encouragement. Also, if you have never read from the beginning of this blog (it isn't huge) I would recommend it so you can catch up to two years ago!!!  So much to cover! So much Hope where there seemed to be no Hope! Rejoice with me as I start to share my life with you again.
I will start off by sharing a post I wrote on Facebook that will help lead into the posts that will come to follow. 

'I have had an AWESOME morning! Got up and walked my 3 miles, BY MY SELF!!! Now, that may not seem like a big deal, but I have anxiety that hinders me from doing things sometimes. This was one of them. So a huge milestone for me!!! And the song that began to play on my walk was Alive by Avalon. The words washed over me. And I heard God speaking to my Soul. Lazarus was in the tomb 4 days, when Jesus called him out, to come alive. For the purpose of glorifying God. Today I feel as though God has called me awake, at 44 years, so that I can finally see who I am, when it is just me and Him. And what has been missing and what is important. And I think this is a turning point in my life.'

When the Past blesses the Present

It amazes me when the past comes and blesses the present. Just a couple of days ago I got an friend invite on facebook from a child that we sponsored through Food for the Hungry several years ago. We had sponsored him and his sister for many years, until Food for the Hungry pulled out of their community. And we have often wondered what has happened with those children that we prayed for, went and visited, went on short-term missions to help build in their community and do VBS, and helped to feed them and provide them with an education, all in the name of Jesus Christ. We have pictures of them hanging in our house as they are still members of our family.
So when we actually got those friend requests from the little boy, who is now 20, it was like God saying, “It may seem like a small thing, it may seem like something that ended, but I want you to know that it’s something that meant something to someone in this life and you did it in My Name. A grown young man with a passion for Jesus who sought out a family who cared about him for a time in his life. Thank you Lord for this reminder of how you can use us to impact others in ways greater than we realize.

UnGodly Expectations in Marriage

Wives and husbands need to read this and realize what we can do to each other. I know I needed this today and I hope that it gives you guidance and comfort too!

Devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries

One Body with Many Parts

It has been too long since I last offered up some encouragement or shared my life.  Having fully recovered from surgery I have been like an energizer bunny doing, doing, doing.  But I have also been listening to our Lord God too.  I have been focusing on family and friends during this summer break.  Now that is winding down and today I have an end of summer cold.  So here I am prioritizing for this coming year and I have a few things to share.
I have a heart for service. Serving others and serving in our church.  I also have always had a hard time saying no, even if it has stretched me to the breaking point. Too often I have tried to be a hand, foot, and eye at the same time. (see the bible passage at the bottom to understand this part)
It doesn't work. This year I made a commitment to God, my family, and myself that I was going to focus on the ministry that God has called me too. But as September approaches I have had to start saying no, and quite frankly... I am no good at it. I feel bad! But I know that I cannot do everything, nor am I suppose to. Lord, thank you for the wonderful way you call us to serve and the hearts you give us, but help me and others with remembering to focus on your call and not just the many voices crying out for help. Remind us that you have prepared others for those roles. In Jesus Name, Amen.

1 Corinthians 12:12-31

New Living Translation (NLT)

One Body with Many Parts

¹² The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ. ¹³ Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves, and some are free. But we have all been baptized into one body by one Spirit, and we all share the same Spirit.

¹⁴ Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. ¹⁵ If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁶ And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body? ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything?

¹⁸ But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. ¹⁹ How strange a body would be if it had only one part! ²⁰ Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. ²¹ The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.”

²² In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary.²³ And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, ²⁴ while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. ²⁵ This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. ²⁶ If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

²⁷ All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it. ²⁸ Here are some of the parts God has appointed for the church:

first are apostles,
second are prophets,
third are teachers,
then those who do miracles,
those who have the gift of healing,
those who can help others,
those who have the gift of leadership,
those who speak in unknown languages.

²⁹ Are we all apostles? Are we all prophets? Are we all teachers? Do we all have the power to do miracles? ³⁰ Do we all have the gift of healing? Do we all have the ability to speak in unknown languages? Do we all have the ability to interpret unknown languages? Of course not! ³¹ So you should earnestly desire the most helpful gifts.

But now let me show you a way of life that is best of all.

I am Meant to Be an Oregonian...

 When I started this blog I meant it to be honest to goodness, real life, encouragement with a focus on Christ.  I know this blog and writing is gonna go to dust someday.  And I am really bad at sticking with too many things for very long.  Not to mention the fact that there are a billion out there, but hopefully it serves a greater purpose for the one person who reads it and needs it. Often times I feel like when I write I am trying to encourage myself, but I get too excited about what God is revealing to me and it becomes preachy or too deep.  Don't get me wrong, I end up there because I love Deep.  But as much as I love it I am often shallow in my life.  So instead of being a conduit of the living water I am often a runoff from the rain.  

Today Ron and I went on a walk in the park.  We live in a small town that has started to adopt some big town things and ideas...well, at least some bigger town things and ideas.  the park is nice and one place where change is happening slowly.  The old park benches are decaying, new ones are in different places. Most of the old play equipment has been changed out with the new fangled, ergonomical, plastic stuff. I realize how much my husband and I sound like old farts with how we miss the old stuff that really has little impact on us.  

As we walked around the park I still really found some joy in the fact that for being almost July it was overcast and cool.  Everything is super green right now.  It made me start to think about growing up in Portland and working for a year down town and never going to any of the parks in that part of town, though I rode the bus there every day.  I cannot even remember what anything on my 6 block walk from the bus stop looked like.  
Now, to be fair, I was 18 at the time and pretty self absorbed.  I had appreciated sights, sounds, and nature as a kid, but as a teen it lost the magic for me in the wake of boys, malls, and self.  Also, I remember always being scared of people I didn't know and avoided eye contact and confrontation.  
I am plenty beyond that now.  Two grown kids and two half way there.  Married 22 years this week.  I realized that I still take very little time to actually suck in the beauty and appreciation for the stuff God created without my input.  I didn't know God back then, but what are my excuses now?  I am often still absorbed by what ever is currently in my life.  So boys, malls, and self have given away to children, second-hand stores, and the husband.  All the same in different clothing.  
Most of all I came to realize that I never appreciated those things when it was raining.  Nothing like being a native Oregonian and hating the rain.  

And yes, I know there are parts of Oregon that are not that stereotypical. But I have always lived in fitting places.  I have lovely seasonally affected emotions and when it is gray, wet, and cold I tend to be a real drip myself.  I know it is not going to kill me and I am not going to drown in it, but I just don't like it.  There, I said it.  I don't like the rain.  But, I want to like it...
I have heard all the Pollyanna positive points to the rain.  And I know them in my heart.  God's way of watering the earth.  So as I walked around the park I appreciated the greenness, but I had no desire to get wet and was glad that the rain held off for the walk.  I did enjoy really taking in the sound of the large creek, the wind in the trees, children laughing, the soft touch of Ron's hand in mine.  The smell of the flowers and green damp earth. It was nice.  But I am still not sure if when another 25 years pass if I will even remember anything about it.  I still come home and realize there is a water leak, kids fighting, housework to be done.  I wonder if the fleet moment of joy in the park will make a stand out memory, as nice as it was.  

I love my God, but I do not appreciate everything that he has surrounded me with in life.  I realize it all has purpose.  And it serves a greater purpose that I do not even have the brains to comprehend.  But I don't like some stuff.  I find myself having to pray so verses I learned from the bible to help me not just want to call myself a lost cause. (Yes, that is being dramatic.) And really in a world where people who don't have faith believe reality is what you make it I would be (and was) feeling hopeless and miserable.  But God gave me some insight into the fact that there are bigger things and bigger meaning to things in the last 15 years.  
I know I am not perfect and I don't ever intend on achieving anything close in this life.  I still stave off some of those same self focused fatalistic emotions.  I am still a sufferer of the weakness and frailties of humanity.  But I am gradually learning to spend more time, than not, now focusing on the meaningful things and appreciating God's handiwork more than mans.  Maybe I am getting old. Maybe a spark of wisdom is creeping in my life.  Or maybe God is just whispering louder so I can hear him touching my life.  I don't know exactly. This is what I can hear Him say...This is the way you felt, 

Ecclesiastes 3:1- 22 (NIV)
A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
 a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot, 
 a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil?  I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.  He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.  That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.  I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
 Whatever is has already been, 
    and what will be has been before; 
    and God will call the past to account.
And I saw something else under the sun:
In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
    in the place of justice—wickedness was there.
I said to myself,
“God will bring into judgment 
    both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
    a time to judge every deed.”
I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals.  Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”
 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

...But now you and others have a greater view of things because of the hope we have made possible through Jesus and the truth we live by.  The writer in Ecclesiastes got a lot of it right, but like so many of us he filled in the blanks with his own limited knowledge and the evil one found a way of making him feel hopeless.  Unlike him, we know that the human soul has a great hope!

Romans 5:1-2 (NIV)
Peace and Hope

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God

My hope for you is that you too find some encouragement in what God has to say and what I share.  
Blessings!

What's the Matter?

When I am thinking I often get this question.  I am very expressive and my face shows what is going on whether I like it or not.  And when I am thinking it tends to read blank or all tightened up into deep concentration.


I have been very introspective and extrospective lately.  I know, big words.  I love big words. I work at trying to find out what they mean.  Actually I tend to try to find words to actually sum up what I am doing or thinking and sound good too. It makes me laugh.  I am probably someone who can sound so smart and so stupid all in the same conversation.  I am often guilty of making up my own words that do not have a place in the dictionary or trying to use an analogy that is completely off base.  One area I work hard at not doing any of this is when it comes to sharing God's word and His truth. 

I will never forget the impact in had on me, early in my walk with God, to have someone I respected as a teacher misrepresent God and His words to me.  I was very niave about the Lord from a learned prospective and, though I had a personal relationship with Christ, I was trying to learn all I could from those who were wiser and older in the faith.  Nothing wrong in that.  God says in Titus 2:1-8 that Christ's believers should be doing that.  But at the same time everything we hear should be crossreferenced with God's word and character.  Even the best or well meaning mentors and leaders can have misguided beliefs that were passed down to them or that they came up with themselves.  So to learn to be wise ourselves we need to rely heavily on God and be accountable for what is being taught to us.  God will have a reckoning with those people who teach falsely.  After having been lead into false doctrine, teaching, I was lead to where God says in James 3:1-2 (NLT):


Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged more strictly.  Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.


Not only did this make me wary of teaching if I didn't know what I was teaching, but it made me realize my responsibility to help others know what God is really saying if He so leads me that way.  Sometimes even correcting or disagreeing with others.  


Titus 1:9 
He must have a strong belief in the trustworthy message he was taught; then he will be able to encourage others with wholesome teaching and show those who oppose it where they are wrong.

A few other verses that Paul speaks on this subject had to do with the ministry that Timothy was doing in the church at Ephesus.  There were others who were teaching wrong things about the faith.  Paul wrote this epistle to Timothy to remind him of his responsibility to stop false teachers and set things in order in the church. He commanded Timothy to maintain pure teaching and set an example for other churches to follow.  Here are some key passages that cover what I am referring to.  Please always read all around these so that you are seeing the context for yourself and can have confidence in what I am referring to and saying.

1 Timothy 1:3-11
 When I left for Macedonia, I urged you to stay there in Ephesus and stop those whose teaching is contrary to the truth.  Don’t let them waste their time in endless discussion of myths and spiritual pedigrees. These things only lead to meaningless speculations, which don’t help people live a life of faith in God.


The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith. But some people have missed this whole point. They have turned away from these things and spend their time in meaningless discussions. They want to be known as teachers of the law of Moses, but they don’t know what they are talking about, even though they speak so confidently.


We know that the law is good when used correctly. For the law was not intended for people who do what is right. It is for people who are lawless and rebellious, who are ungodly and sinful, who consider nothing sacred and defile what is holy, who kill their father or mother or commit other murders.  The law is for people who are sexually immoral, or who practice homosexuality, or are slave traders, liars, promise breakers, or who do anything else that contradicts the wholesome teaching  that comes from the glorious Good News entrusted to me by our blessed God.

1 Timothy 6:3-5
Some people may contradict our teaching, but these are the wholesome teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. These teachings promote a godly life. Anyone who teaches something different is arrogant and lacks understanding. Such a person has an unhealthy desire to quibble over the meaning of words. This stirs up arguments ending in jealousy, division, slander, and evil suspicions. These people always cause trouble. Their minds are corrupt, and they have turned their backs on the truth. To them, a show of godliness is just a way to become wealthy.

2 Timothy 2:15-19
Work hard so you can present yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good worker, one who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth. Avoid worthless, foolish talk that only leads to more godless behavior. This kind of talk spreads like cancer, as in the case of Hymenaeus and Philetus.  They have left the path of truth, claiming that the resurrection of the dead has already occurred; in this way, they have turned some people away from the faith.


 But God’s truth stands firm like a foundation stone with this inscription: “The Lord knows those who are his,” and “All who belong to the Lord must turn away from evil.”

Some areas we will not know what God intended on meaning, for sure, until we can ask the Savior himself, but we can do our best to make sure we are honoring God through our teaching, and our learning, by aligning it to what we do know of God, His word, and His character.  If it doesn't sound like what you know of God, it may not be.

I have been wrong and corrected several times myself.  And I have learned to accepted this admonishing and correction with grace and humility.  I am a baby of the faith in so many respects.  But I intend on growing and making sure that I am a servant that God is pleased with.  That when I tell someone about Him it is the God I know, not just the God I know about.


2 Timothy 4:2
Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching.


I encourage you today to make sure you are doing the same.  Let us walk in faith, by faith, and for faith in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Blessings!

Healing Prayers

“ 

And their prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make them well. And anyone who has committed sins will be forgiven. Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results.” 

James 5:15-16 (NLT)

I love this picture that has floated around Google.  I don't know where it originated, but I see a set of hands that have worked hard.  I am thinking this person is probably tired, sweaty, and dirty, from a hard days work.  Nevertheless, these are the hands of someone praying.  

Many times, we feel too busy or get too distracted by the business to go to the Lord in prayer.  We save it for bedtime, or mealtime, because it fits in there.  However, I am asking you to consider something different for your prayer life. In the bible, Ephesians 6:18 Paul gives us a template for when we should be praying.

'Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.'

What does that look like in your life?  You’re at work, what ever your job, and a prayer request comes to you.  Pray as soon as you can step aside from your work.  If you’re a mom, it may mean a moment with your head bowed in the laundry room, or a construction worker taking a moment on his break.  It doesn't matter what your occupation is, it matters that you are responsive and obedient to the call to pray at "all times and on every occasion."  

This has been something I have been doing the last couple of years, especially.  If a friend asks for prayer on fb, over the phone, or in person I now tend to go to prayer right then, or soon there after.  Any longer than that and it could slip my mind and I know only too well the importance of prayer and what it means to be on the receiving end of prayer.

With being down and healing right now from surgery, I have asked for prayer much.  I know that God is my strength and I need that reminder so others praying for me is a strength and I feel that God is honoring those prayers.  I have also had problems with bleeding and other complications.  I still feel at peace, even though I may not like it, because I know ultimately God is in control and that one way or another everything is going to be just right by divine standards.  I know the prayers of those who lift me up are helping to make that my reality.

Lastly, I want to end this letter posting more of Ephesians 6.  Preceding the call to prayer in 18 is some important instructions that I think prepare us for this life of prayer and something we should keep in the forefronts of our minds.  It ends with a prayer that I hold in my heart and ask you all to lift me up to be.  May it teach you something new, encourage you, and give you a heart of prayer!

Blessings,

Stephanie

The Whole Armor of God

 Ephesians 6:10-20

A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

And pray for me, too. Ask God to give me the right words so I can boldly explain God’s mysterious plan that the Good News is for Jews and Gentiles alike. I am in chains now, still preaching this message as God’s ambassador. So pray that I will keep on speaking boldly for him, as I should.