A friend shared this video on social media today. I then shared it with my husband and kids. It has been a hard few years lately, but with the illusive pursuit of perfection washed we can see things in each other that we did not have the ability to see before. The real us. The real each other. And I am finding that is far better than the fairy tale that never was. Is it perfect? No. Is it what I thought it would be? No. But it is it's own kind of wonderful. Hope this song sparks a reconnection to your spouse.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Determined to Change my World
My last marriage post I left off with a cliff hanger, of sorts. Because I shared how we got to our dysfunction, but I knew we were not to a place where I could say we were healed. Where I could say I wanted to stay in my marriage, even if that is what God wanted. I wrote of hope that I hoped to come and prayed prayers for others for the same.
A lot has happened since August of 2014. A lot of difficult and good situations and outcomes.
We are still going to marriage counseling and, I for one, need it. It helps us get over the bumps, the hard things to talk about, and helps us to grow in the journey of recovery.
We are recovering and learning to love where we are and who we are. That is not easy. When you got problems with who you are, they will become problems to overcome for your spouse too. And I think we are way more imperfect than we let on, still. But one day at a time. I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I have to prove anything. I am learning to taylor my expectations so that they are reasonable and laced with grace and mercy. Neither of which have I ever been exceptionally good at. And I am learning to see the best in my husband, rather than focusing on the things that I allowed irritate me for years. Those "things" grew so big in my mind that they overshadowed anything good that I should have been focusing on. We have been learning how to be real. Honest to goodness, genuine, Ron and Stephanie. Boy, that hurts sometimes.
We have survived some disappointment and some redirecting of our lives this last year. We learned how to hope and dream again. How to pursue something we wanted. How to handle being told no. How to face losing important wants. That we could be facing much worse. How to find new dreams and start appreciating today, as much as tomorrow, or yesterday for that matter. Others in our lives have taught us some hard lessons about forgiveness and mercy. And I am still staggering over some of those. Realizing that I am an infant in that department. Only beginning to even understand the fullness of the forgiveness of God. But with each lesson I am humbled and have a greater appreciation for the attributes that I now seek to live out.
I am determined to change my world for the better by starting with me. By growing and by encouraging growth in others. I see 2015 as a year to live it out and I hope that I can let God in enough to end the year saying that I have. Here are some verses that inspire me:
Galatians 5:22-23
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
1 Thesalonnians 2:16-17
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.
1 Colossians1:9-14
For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
1 Peter 3:7-8 (and I think there is a message for both wife and husband in this)
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.
A lot has happened since August of 2014. A lot of difficult and good situations and outcomes.
We are still going to marriage counseling and, I for one, need it. It helps us get over the bumps, the hard things to talk about, and helps us to grow in the journey of recovery.
We are recovering and learning to love where we are and who we are. That is not easy. When you got problems with who you are, they will become problems to overcome for your spouse too. And I think we are way more imperfect than we let on, still. But one day at a time. I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I have to prove anything. I am learning to taylor my expectations so that they are reasonable and laced with grace and mercy. Neither of which have I ever been exceptionally good at. And I am learning to see the best in my husband, rather than focusing on the things that I allowed irritate me for years. Those "things" grew so big in my mind that they overshadowed anything good that I should have been focusing on. We have been learning how to be real. Honest to goodness, genuine, Ron and Stephanie. Boy, that hurts sometimes.
We have survived some disappointment and some redirecting of our lives this last year. We learned how to hope and dream again. How to pursue something we wanted. How to handle being told no. How to face losing important wants. That we could be facing much worse. How to find new dreams and start appreciating today, as much as tomorrow, or yesterday for that matter. Others in our lives have taught us some hard lessons about forgiveness and mercy. And I am still staggering over some of those. Realizing that I am an infant in that department. Only beginning to even understand the fullness of the forgiveness of God. But with each lesson I am humbled and have a greater appreciation for the attributes that I now seek to live out.
I am determined to change my world for the better by starting with me. By growing and by encouraging growth in others. I see 2015 as a year to live it out and I hope that I can let God in enough to end the year saying that I have. Here are some verses that inspire me:
Galatians 5:22-23
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
1 Thesalonnians 2:16-17
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.
1 Colossians1:9-14
For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
1 Peter 3:7-8 (and I think there is a message for both wife and husband in this)
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.
Eye Candy or Heirloom Worthy?
So I was thinking the other day about what life looks like. We often look at everyone else’s life and we base what we think it is like, with so little information or real insight. Most of the very things that haunt us as blemishes in our own life are hid very well by others. When someone reveals their secrets, vulnerabilities, or flaws we gasp, are shocked, judge, or admire. But we never expect it. Often don’t see it coming. Or have already found the people “less than” because of something. Somewhere we get lost in the illusion that anyone has it going perfectly. Or everyone is messed up. But that it is obvious.
I have met people, know people, who feel their lives are pretty perfect. But what I have found is that their lives are typically just as messy as mine. It is just their frame of mind, their perspective, that is perfect. Even then they will tell you that really they have great moments of weakness. There are tears and worries, just like us. But for the most part their thankfulness and recognition of the blessings outweighs the worry and recognition of the trials. The other group has the people that think their life is trash, over, and have given up. They have lost hope and everyone knows it. Some of us fall in between those groups. But our view, and others, are always skewed by what we see.
I don’t want a life that looks perfect to anyone. But I want to see my life as a life not wasted. Where growth is present, love abounds, and forgiveness is always present.
I want my children to learn this by my example.
I may not understand the lessons, the hardships, the trials, but I hope that I can grow and shine with the realization that understanding isn’t necessary, but faith and hope is.
An example of this was my recent mental inventory of the things we have actually gotten new. Not used, not from a thrift store, but store bought new. Very little have we purchased new, in years. And the things we had seemed to develop a problem or defect within a year of buying it. Usually right after the warranty was up. The fridge has dysfunctional water dispensing. The microwave button began to stick before we had cooked a whole meal. The big flat tv has a hairline black area on the screen and a mind of it’s own when streaming things. The computer is, well, just a computer with all the quirks of technology and the bugs that come along with it.
Yet, the used stuff, I don’t even think of that. I think of the great deal, the remarkable repair or restoration made of it, or the usefulness. Appreciated without the expected warranty period or expectation of working perfectly. Of course we expect less because we pay less. Right? Perceived expectations based on a false sense of worth. Not on what it’s function is intended to be as much as what the new state of the item is to begin with and how long it can stay that way. And we all know that things are not made like the use to be. Cheaper made, more costly the price.
But I realize that we do that with stuff and people. And I also realize that I am so thankful that God doesn't do that with us. That he didn't look at us and feel we deserved less because we could not pay, did not live up to, or did not come new with a warranty. He saw that we were imperfect, sinners that didn't have a way of our own, and gave his Perfect Son as a sacrifice for us to have a relationship with Him and have salvation. Humanity first chose that false perspective, over God, a long time ago. But thankfully he sees things a little more clearly and deeply than we do.
It may not sound very flattering to some. Who still highly value the new. But I think of myself as a flea market treasure that God saw potential in and decided that he wanted me for what I was, with all my flaws, and paid a new price for me anyway. I want to have a God’s eye perspective on the potential and I would be surprised if I was the only one.
Just something to ponder.
Romans 5:1-6
Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.
I have met people, know people, who feel their lives are pretty perfect. But what I have found is that their lives are typically just as messy as mine. It is just their frame of mind, their perspective, that is perfect. Even then they will tell you that really they have great moments of weakness. There are tears and worries, just like us. But for the most part their thankfulness and recognition of the blessings outweighs the worry and recognition of the trials. The other group has the people that think their life is trash, over, and have given up. They have lost hope and everyone knows it. Some of us fall in between those groups. But our view, and others, are always skewed by what we see.
I don’t want a life that looks perfect to anyone. But I want to see my life as a life not wasted. Where growth is present, love abounds, and forgiveness is always present.
I want my children to learn this by my example.
I may not understand the lessons, the hardships, the trials, but I hope that I can grow and shine with the realization that understanding isn’t necessary, but faith and hope is.
An example of this was my recent mental inventory of the things we have actually gotten new. Not used, not from a thrift store, but store bought new. Very little have we purchased new, in years. And the things we had seemed to develop a problem or defect within a year of buying it. Usually right after the warranty was up. The fridge has dysfunctional water dispensing. The microwave button began to stick before we had cooked a whole meal. The big flat tv has a hairline black area on the screen and a mind of it’s own when streaming things. The computer is, well, just a computer with all the quirks of technology and the bugs that come along with it.
Yet, the used stuff, I don’t even think of that. I think of the great deal, the remarkable repair or restoration made of it, or the usefulness. Appreciated without the expected warranty period or expectation of working perfectly. Of course we expect less because we pay less. Right? Perceived expectations based on a false sense of worth. Not on what it’s function is intended to be as much as what the new state of the item is to begin with and how long it can stay that way. And we all know that things are not made like the use to be. Cheaper made, more costly the price.
But I realize that we do that with stuff and people. And I also realize that I am so thankful that God doesn't do that with us. That he didn't look at us and feel we deserved less because we could not pay, did not live up to, or did not come new with a warranty. He saw that we were imperfect, sinners that didn't have a way of our own, and gave his Perfect Son as a sacrifice for us to have a relationship with Him and have salvation. Humanity first chose that false perspective, over God, a long time ago. But thankfully he sees things a little more clearly and deeply than we do.
It may not sound very flattering to some. Who still highly value the new. But I think of myself as a flea market treasure that God saw potential in and decided that he wanted me for what I was, with all my flaws, and paid a new price for me anyway. I want to have a God’s eye perspective on the potential and I would be surprised if I was the only one.
Just something to ponder.
Romans 5:1-6
Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.
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