Living Out Your Vows...

When you recited your marriage vows you may not have imagined you would need to follow through on some of them. Young and full of blind infatuation...But now that you must love as God called us to love, how many have you survived through? How many have you broken?

Ron and I have been through it all. It is not easy. But sometimes the love shines through the commitment, rather than the feeling. Praying for my friends who are struggling with theirs and continuing to pray for my own as we survive the trials of this fallen world.

Procrastination or Preparation?

As I face the fact that I have been resisting this post, and finding other things to do. I realize that I have been procrastinating and telling myself the lie that I am preparing my heart for the task.  But in all reality, I just am not sure I am in a place to share the last couple years.  Because I realize some of it still hurts.  But it took writing, up until this point, to realize that it was indeed the case, to the degree it is.  
I am trying to use my experience to encourage others who are going through similar situations and/or disappointments and I am not through with this journey.  Truly though, I think if I waited to be done I would be dead and then I wouldn't share anything at all.  So I am going to do my best to share things from my perspective and my pain and my healing, to the degree I have. Deal?

When I found out that my husband had not been honest with me, about something I thought he had a firm belief about, it made me first, mad.  Then, shocked.  Then, disappointed.  Mad again. Sad, broken, lonely, bitter.  I realized that if something that I thought to be in his moral fiber was not really, then who was this man?  

We had been married for 22 years.  Had more than our share of ups and downs.  Been through joy and grief.  Raising children.  Sticking together through tough stuff.  Successes and failures. Lost and Found.  

I came to the realization, that for him to hide something from me, that I thought he was against, for 10 years, then I didn't really know who he was.  
All the years that I had sworn that he wasn't being honest with me, and was doubting myself, my perception, was really real.  So what else was real and not real.  

Really it is a mind blowing concept to have to face.  And no matter the good intention of a lie (we will leave Christmas presents out of this) it breaks the fabric of a relationship from the moment it starts.  Because after the initial lie or dodging of the truth you will have to keep tabs.  If you are still doing it, what ever it is you're hiding, you will have to cultivate and groom your life to nurture this lie/habit for as long as you hold onto it.

In the middle of all those emotions I shared above, I got numb.  It had to be somewhere between broken, lonely, and bitter.  We started counseling with our pastor and then months later with a therapist.  But my husband kept falling back into his old pattern, that I believe is a foundational flaw in our relationship.  He wouldn't commit to the new habit that would break the old/bad one.  He would start the process and then make excuses and eventually stop working towards fixing things.

The whole time I tried to act like nothing happened to most everyone.  I wanted it to have not happened.  I wanted to forget it.  I wanted to go back.  But one day, one last straw, I realized I didn't want to go back.  

I think that was my problem every other time we hit speed bumps or issues.  I would want it as it was.  Well, for the first time I realized that was not good enough.  Because something had been missing from the beginning and it created this fertile place of disfunction in our marriage and relationship.

I know that it would be so 'Story Perfect' if I could say, "Oh, we were missing God from our lives and we found God and then everything was better."
But I have to break it to you that we were 15 year old Christians.  We were both highly involved in our church.  I have had some people say that to go through this or for this to happen then someone must have not been saved or we/he didn't really know Jesus.  But I will stand and say this is not a faith based thing.  People confuse being saved and being perfect.  Coming to a faith in Christ and realizing how much you need a savior is just the opposite of that.  You realize who you are and that you don't have a leg to stand on without God.  I fully believe that my husband and myself are saved Christians.  I also believe we are sinners.  We are not perfect.  We make mistakes.  And sometimes they are really bad.  But God convicts us in our hearts, and yes it may take years.  It may take intervention, or brokenness to come to terms with it.  Sometimes it is a bad habit we bring into our faith and sometimes it is a temptation we give into after we know it is really wrong.  

I don't know the words God will have for us on the day we stand before Him, but I know he will have a few for me and a few for most everyone about our behavior.  But in the mean time we have to strive to do the best we can to behave in such a way that reflects the heart of God we want to have.

As much as either of us tried, or not, in the last couple of years we did not do a good job of that.  My bitterness became my sin that I embraced and nurtured.  I wanted to hurt him back almost as much as I wanted things to work out.  Not good.  But it is what it was.  And I learned some valuable lessons about myself and others as I walked that road.

Heavenly Father,
I know someone will read this and relate.  I know you do not have me doing this for my own sake alone, though no one surrenders something without receiving something in return.  I pray for myself, and those who read this, that we would continue to receive healing and restoration.  Because I know that is what you call us to.  Restoration to you.  Restoration in our marriages, that are suppose to be a reflection of our relationship with you.
Thank you LORD for caring enough to never leave us or forget us.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

Moments of Clarity

God's Not Dead. 

Boy that can sound intimidating, depending on the side of the fence you're sitting on. 

I am sure if you are a Christian you have seen the movie (right?!) because of the press and the many churches that have shown it and promoted it.  And, if you are not a Christian, well, I am sure you are so sick of hearing about it.  Hearing about the Robertsons (Duck Dynasty) and their beliefs.  About the movie that the Christians are all toting.  About the text messages that everyone is getting, 'God's Not Dead'.  Am I right?  Probably. Or maybe you haven't heard a thing. 

I admit I have wanted to see it.  But, until tonight, I just hadn't.  One thing or another came up.  And that is pretty typical of life.  Everyone I talk to has stuff coming up.  Some of it really ugly in their lives.  Some of it just busy.  Some of it overwhelming in obligations or demands made on them.  Right? You too?

My life has felt like that for so long.  So long.  I just jump from one set of gotta do's to another.  If you looked at my life in retrospect you would see a Multiple Personality Disordered life.  No disrespect of mental disorders intended.  All the times I have done 180s and, I bet you would have stories to come back at me with. It is just life.

There are moments though, when life gains a whole lot of clarity in a very short amount of time.  And sometimes we get so dang excited about it that we want to tell everyone.  

And some nice people shake their heads and smile and say, "Wow, that's great!"  

And some nice people wrinkle up their eyebrows and say, "Err...that is really interesting." 

And, some nice people cut you off before you get three words out of your mouth and say, "I am not interested."

I do that to salesmen at the door.  I do that to other faiths that I don't believe in or agree with.  So I am not that different than those who do that to me.  I probably don't deserve the time of day to recount my exciting revelation or moments of clarity.  But thankfully, it really isn't about me.

My walk the other day that started my blogging again, well, that wasn't about me.

And the revelations that I got from that walk (Come Awake, well, they aren't really about me either.

And what I write about, well, that is about me.  But it is not really for me.  And ultimately it isn't so much about me either.

I know in 1997 when I first became a Christian because of a crazy, and I use that word in a worldly sense, dream that I had.  Well, I know that people just thought Stephanie was having a crazy moment, a passing fad, another 180, another stage in her life.  And if I was on the outside looking in I think at first I would have thought the same thing too.  Some people I know stopped being my friends.  Got angry.  Refuted my new beliefs.  Called me bible thumper.  I didn't know people really did that.  Actually, at the time I didn't even understand what that was.  I was amazed, actually, at the fact that an admission of Christianity could bring out so many negative  feelings in others.

I was a baby, brand new Christian.  And that being said, I only knew that Jesus saved me.  

I didn't know how.  

I didn't know why.  

I didn't know who he was.  

He was a baby in a bed of hay under the Christmas tree.  

That was it.  But that dream, that vision...What ever you want to call it, it changed my life and made me want to know who he was.  I was desperate to know.  

Because at a point in my life when I was willing to give up everything because I selfishly didn't think I was worth anything this Jesus thought enough of me to invade my dream and save me in such a way that spoke to me.

I still think it sounds crazy.  

It has been almost 20 years since that night. Almost to the month. 

And no matter the 180s I have made since then, there is one 360 that I never stopped doing.  That is, turning to God and, believing in Jesus.  I am just as much a sinner as either group I started this with. By sinner, I mean someone who has not lived a perfect life free of guilt and doing what is wrong. And I will not claim to be perfect because I am a Christian.  I am simply saved.  I recognize my need for a Savior and I chose to believe in the one who died to save me.  There is a lot of other stuff that came after that.  Some good.  Some bad.  But the one truth remained the same.  I cannot imagine how I would have made it through the tough stuff of life without having God there.  And there is nothing I could possibly say in my own words that could even convey it to you.  The magnitude is unbelievable.  But I can tell you one thing.  God's Not Dead.  

If you haven't see the movie, see it.  It won't hurt you.  It might seem a little crazy at times.  But it might be just what you're looking for... to answer a few questions that keep bugging you. And if not. Then it was just a movie to you.  Thank God for free will, right? ;)

Either way, I hope you see it.  It was pretty darn good.

I included the trailer just in case you haven't seen it or the movie.

Broken Hearted

There is nothing like being at the top of your world and having it crash in on you.  I have had it happen 3 times.  Each time it is the realization that life will never be the same smashing into a great loss of the heart.
I suppose it would be different for each individual.  And some would look at my three and think that they cannot even compare to one another.  But in my life, with my heart, they do.




Number one.  The (first) love of my life was arrested on the eve of his proposing marriage to me.  I was in high school.  Young and thinking my life was finely going right.  I got a call from the sheriffs office from an officer nice enough to let me know my boyfriend would not be showing up to take me to the preplanned night out because he was in jail on 3 counts of murder.  Yes, really.  My life collapsed.  I won't spend this time going through the cascade down that cliff now.

Number two.  I woke to find my 2 month old son, Anthony, dead in his bassinet.  SIDS.  I don't really need to recap the reality of what came after that right now either.

Number three.  After 22 years of marriage I found out my husband was keeping a secret from me for the last 10 years.  Now it wasn't cheating on me.  It wasn't, by the worlds standards, even something that is that big a deal.  But it was to me.  The bigger deal though, was that it was a habit he had been kept from me for 10 years.  That fact was the killer.  And that is the place where I am beginning the story I have been leading up to for the last three posts. Well, where I will begin next time.

I want you to know that despite everything I share, I am at a place of forgiveness.  I am no better than my husband.  I have my own faults that probably notch me higher on the list of things that are bad in one's life.  I am sharing this, and the last two years of my life, so that I can reveal healing to someone who needs it.  Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.  The longest thing I have ever stuck with, in my life. And a daily thing, sometimes, that I have to lay before the Lord to stay in.  I love my husband.  But it is from a different place and a different love than I had for him years ago.  And the most growth we have had started with that tragic day 2 years ago, when I found out I didn't really know him at all.

Lord,
As I, we, travel this journey I went on (and am still on) please protect hearts and minds.  Please minister to hurting people and give the hope and healing that only you can provide.  I love you Lord. More than any one or any thing.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use a trial to touch someone else's life for the better.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

My Time Away...the Beginning.

First Listen to this song. Broken Beautiful Then continue...

We all take breaks from things.  Activities, places, people... And we all have our reasons.  Sometimes we just implode into ourselves as a means of self preservation and build a wall of protection to keep from being beat up by the situation or circumstances.  I have had several such journeys in my life.  All were proceeded by major tears in the fabric of my reality.  You know what I am talking about.  Those moments when something just slams you.  So big, so unexpected, a long long battle, that you are left reeling...

Two years ago was one of those times for me. And it may not seem as monumental as some of the other moments in my life.  My first son dying at two months of age is one example.  But it was probably worse in some ways because it shattered a reality that I had so recently taken a hold of.  A false reality, but one that I thought meant I had finally come to a place in life when all the pieces fit nicely together and life was good.

Now many would wonder at that and some would agree with me.  I had just gotten over my healing from the hysterectomy I got.  I felt like a million dollars.  My husband and I were closer than we had been in years.  I was enjoying my identity.  I was "Christian Woman, Still Together-Married 20+years-to A Nice Guy, Home school Mom, Church Member, Women's Ministry Member, Volunteer, Had it all together, Blah, Blah, Blah. 

It makes me feel jealous to read that.  Then I remember that just because you see the painting doesn't mean you know the artist.  Weird analogy.  But a fitting one. Because anyone who looked at my life would see the same thing and think...

The problem with that thinking, whether about your own life, or someone else's, is that you're ignoring something if you don't see the imperfections in the picture.  And the imperfections are just important to the beauty as the perfect strokes.  But you have to grow into that mindset before that way of thinking will make sense, and at this point in my life, I was not there.  Despite what all I had been through in life, to shape me into who I was at that point.  I still didn't know what growing I had to do.  And it was going to take a fall into the pit of life to start the next stage.

For you, the reader, I want you to know if you are there, then you know what I am saying between all the words. I want you to understand that someone has been there and knows it sucks.  It hurts.  It makes no sense.  It is too much to even deal with  and even in a Christian culture that mantras that saying, "God will not give you more than you can handle"... Sometimes God does.  And in that realization lies part of the answer that will get you through this.  Because the unspoken rest of that is, He will not give you more than you can handle 'With Him'.  

You are not alone.  Even when you feel like you are.  I didn't have many people reach out to me, but I had a friend who was good counsel and spoke truth to me in love.  I took an incredible leap and went to Christian counseling.  I wanted what I was being told to be in line with God's will for my life.  And no matter how mad at God I was I stayed in the bible, reading each night and praying heartfelt, tear filled prayers.  
All of this did not happen over night.  And, as I will discuss in future messages, it was at times, slow going. 

I want you to go to the link that I post at the end and read it. This was a verse from the bible that gave me a small measure of hope. It may not feel true and may not give you the comfort you long for.  But when you look back, when you are through this heartache, you will find that it did. And I will be praying for you as you are traveling your journey and passing through mine.

Romans 5:1-5

Come Awake

I am going to try and break up the last two years into swallowable portions.  I have read over all my other posts and realize some of them are so long.  Add to that, the fact that I haven't written during some of the most difficult two years of my life...I know hard to imagine it being worse than it ever was...and it makes for a novel.  Do not fear though, I will not write a book in one sitting.  Suffice it to say that the woman who was here two years ago, content with life and having it all, despite the odds, was put to the test and I went into a two year coma of trying to find that faith I thought I had been living out prior to my lift exploding. I make no promises how long it will take to catch up to my present, but I will try to mix in the "now and then" as evenly as possible, and in it all find the place of encouragement. Also, if you have never read from the beginning of this blog (it isn't huge) I would recommend it so you can catch up to two years ago!!!  So much to cover! So much Hope where there seemed to be no Hope! Rejoice with me as I start to share my life with you again.
I will start off by sharing a post I wrote on Facebook that will help lead into the posts that will come to follow. 

'I have had an AWESOME morning! Got up and walked my 3 miles, BY MY SELF!!! Now, that may not seem like a big deal, but I have anxiety that hinders me from doing things sometimes. This was one of them. So a huge milestone for me!!! And the song that began to play on my walk was Alive by Avalon. The words washed over me. And I heard God speaking to my Soul. Lazarus was in the tomb 4 days, when Jesus called him out, to come alive. For the purpose of glorifying God. Today I feel as though God has called me awake, at 44 years, so that I can finally see who I am, when it is just me and Him. And what has been missing and what is important. And I think this is a turning point in my life.'