Life is more about the rainy days than the sunny ones. That is arguable, but nothing shows what a person is made of like going through the storms of life and seeing how they handle it. Being able to see blessings through raindrops is not an easy thing, but it is possible with God.
Right now is all there is of right now. So often we get so wrapped up in the here and now, enjoying it when it is fun and enduring it when it sucks, but this life is just a foreshadow of what God has in store for us after this life. Just thinking about all His promises makes me smile through everything that is going on right now. I am really thankful that these very things that will not be present in Heaven are here. Because what would life be without the experiences. The rich texture of our lives will only enhance who we are to become. Maybe I have had too much pain medication, but at this point this all makes sense to me :) Goodnight all!
Two days from now I will be in surgery. It is not surgery to fix my problems, but to confirm the diagnosis and take biopsies of tissue in my abdomen to stage the endometriosis. I go into this knowing that it isn't going to make me feel better. It will be just one step closer, than I am now, to getting the resolution. Normally, Friday would be about the time I start having my Good/Normal week of the month. Living mostly pain free that week is when I get things done. This month I will be recovering from the surgery and praying that the results make it possible for me to get the surgery that will give me more than one good week a month. I have so many things running around in my mind and so many things in life that are shouting their need to be focused on and it is hard to stay down and not get overwhelmed. I am not worried about surgery. Though I do wonder if there is a verse that tells me not to get frustrated. That is probably one of the peace ones. :) All I know is I have a daughter who is getting married this summer and I so badly want to be working on that. I have Women's Ministry jobs that I am suppose to be working on. I have homeschooling that I am doing, half the time from my bed, and then just the normal mom and wife stuff. I put this all on myself, because everyone else keeps extending me grace and telling me all this other stuff is ok and that there are plenty of people to help. And there are, loads just in my home. And everyone is more than willing to help. But I guess my hard time is that the things I love about life are being able to take care of others and my home and family. To be a source of happiness in their lives and I am not able to really be that too well right now. This is when I get a gentle tap on the shoulder and the Lord reminds me that he did not call me to do all things through me. My expectations are not His expectations and I need to surrender even this to Him. He tells me through His Word that I need to call on Him when I feel like I am in too deep. That He works through others too. Lord help me today to do only what you would have me do and rest in your care. May the Lord help you to find that place today too.
I am not sure I had ever understood the feeling of either of those before this last year. I use to associate them with situations that were strictly pleasant. I find now that it is something very deep and baseline. Not dependent on exterior circumstances or emotions so much. I can express that I am in level 7 or 8 pain, as I would rate it, yet, I can smile with heart felt joy through agonizing tears. I see things clearer through the pain than I ever have before. I am not sure exactly when the change happened in this last year. I know that I wasn't experiencing it during most of my life. Times were good or they were bad. Period.
I have been a christian since 1997 when I gave my life to Christ. But until this last year I only really tasted small bits of what I am talking about. There would be moments of peace and/or joy during trials, but often time they were fleeting because I still struggled with the face of it. If you haven't listened to the song by Laura Story, Blessings, you need to. It will probably say better what I am trying to. Because for me the "what ifs" are really true. My peace and joy are not dependent on smiles and a lack of pain, but a point of perspective. They come through raindrops and tears, turmoil and trauma. Not just the good stuff.The last couple of years tore holes all over in my former thinking. I started experiencing death and pain and disappointment at a rate that I could not run from, hide from, or ignore. When that happens you have to face it or give up. I know God well enough to know that He didn't give up on me and I wasn't allowed the luxury of thinking I could either. I had tried that once, as my story told. But I found I was angry at the lack of possibilities that would allow me to do what I wanted to do. It was all about being able to serve God better, so I told myself, so it made it ok for me to be striving for more than what I was meant to have or do. But that cliche that sometimes God says no is really true. No to what we think we need or want, but yes to us and what will ultimately be the most wonderful for us. I know for some of you that won't even make sense. Sounds like a bunch of flower wearing, bible toting bull. But for once in my life it is not. The process began a couple of years ago when God said no about going into full time missions. Some might say that is just our perspective on things, but God really made it quite clear. Couple that with the loss of my grandmother and not dealing with the grief. I could not see why he wouldn't want us there then, but now it is like looking back through a clean glass window. I blamed everything else for it not working out, and then I blamed God for not thinking we were good enough to serve him that way. I kind of imploded. But out of the ashes came something beautiful. I grew up and got what grace was. What mercy was. What it was to find peace and joy where tears and pain live. I figured out that God has a better way and I don't get it, but I don't have to. I just have to rest in the fact that He does and somehow, someway there lies peace and joy beyond circumstances. I still make decisions for my life: God gave me a brain.I still believe in medical treatment; God can work miracles through others.I still cry when I am hurting or when someone else is; God gave me tears and the emotions to empathize.I still believe that God gave me free will and I could choose to walk down the broken road bare foot, but I choose to put on the armor of God and finally understand what that means.Blessings to you all and I hope you find God loving you where you are tonight.Romans 15:13I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace as you trust in him. Then you will have more and more hope, and it will flow out of you by the power of the Holy Spirit.
There was much spiritual warfare for me those first few months. I had given over much of my life to things that don't mess with God and I was plagued with nightmares and weird things happening. A new Christian friend took me to a Cleansing Stream’s Spiritual Recovery program to deal with the evil that I had invited in my life and to start cleaning house, so to speak. I learned a lot about what we do in life and how it can impact you spiritually. I poured myself in to everything I could. Family groups, bible studies, and then teaching children’s Sunday school. Helping with MOPS and being a group leader, craft leader, and speaker. Going to women’s retreats and then being a part of the committee. Giving my testimony when ever I could. Though some things continue to be a battle, I could not help but notice I had become a nicer, more peaceful person, even with the trials that faced me then and the ones that face me today. I will say, I don't believe God needs to confirm himself, but I believe that when a sincere heart seeks him He will reveal himself to them in very personal ways. Again God confirmed himself to me a few years later. I was not supposed to have any more children, because I had endometriosis that had gotten quite bad. The doctor was contemplating surgery and mentioned the need for a hysterectomy if it was too severe. Breeann was 5 at that time and I had already had a early miscarriage since having her so we resigned ourselves to that fact. But when I went to the women’s retreat that year we were told to pray our hearts desire and share that with a secret prayer partner. I did and the next month I was pregnant. I was overjoyed. But, God had revealed to me at that retreat that He needed me to walk through the desert. I did not understand what that meant and was kind of frightened. That was 13 years ago and I will say that still I find it coming to my mind as I travel this life. Anyway, the desert of that time was because the pregnancy ended up being harder than we expected. I had to give up all my church activities and just focus on Ryan and Breeann and resting. That isolation was definitely a desert experience because you find that the enemy plays the most head/heart games when you are alone and lonely. Ron went on a mission trip with the church to Mexico when I was eight months pregnant and I really felt left out. When I had Andrew I was very sad and was deeply plagued with postpartum depression. Ron said to go to the doctor and he put me on an antidepressant. It helped within two weeks and I felt like my pre-pregnant self. I thank God for giving people the ability to create medicines to help with our fallen DNA. Unexpected to us, we got pregnant again, very easy, a short time later and 22 months after Andrew we had Gabby. That was the best pregnancy I ever had. God surrounded us with friends and much love with this delivery. That was the last one for us to have. To give you perspective, my first Son, Anthony, died of SIDS very early in the story of my life. Yet, he would have only been 16 months older than Ryan. I have had three miscarriages. That means to me I have 8 children. I value life from the moment God created it, whether I knew it was there, until it was too late, or not. Four of my babies are in heaven already. Three I didn't really get to meet. One left two months after he was born. There is a space in my heart that only he, and they, can fill. God's own grace helped teach me that. We are all precious in God's eyes. Now I am looking forward to grand-babies someday. Watching my children start that journey of preparing to someday start families. In the mean time I am dealing again with the problems that left them saying I would never have my last two miracle babies. I will be going through the first surgery in two weeks. That will probably lead to a hysterectomy. I can't understand the why of it all, but I can recognize it for the love that it is. God didn't have to say yes and delay what I am going through now. But he did and I thank Him for surrounding me with children and love, and a loving husband who cares for me so much and has stuck out this journey with me. To be Continued...
I mentioned to Ron’s cousin, who was my close friend, that I needed to
find out who this Jesus was and she said that I needed to go to church. Before Sunday came I turned on my car radio
and it was on a Christian station. I didn’t even know one existed.
This is how far from Christianity I had been. But what a testimony to
God’s provision. So I went with my friend that
next Sunday, to a church she knew about.
The service was
beautiful. It was done by the children. It was their youth Sunday. A little girl sang Jaci Velasquez, If this world is a lonely place. That was God speaking to me. I knew it.
I left that day determined to know this Jesus. So the next Sunday I braved my fears and went
back to that church by myself. I walked
in and was greeted by the youth pastor’s wife and she made sure that I knew
where to go. I stayed for both services
and went to Sunday school. I went to the
bible study that week for ladies, and was invited to the youth night, because
they thought I was a college student. I thought that was funny. But, I did look young then and I did come alone. Not to mention it was a college town. That week they asked me if I wanted to be baptized and I said that if
that is what God wanted then I wanted to do it.
They had no idea that I had already called on the Lord and now that I
knew who Jesus was I wanted all of Him.
My
dear husband thought I had gone off the deep end getting all spiritual on him. He grew up going to church but did not have a
relationship with Jesus. I began taking
the kids to church and it wasn’t until Ron heard the pastor liked to hunt that
he came. Four months after me he gave his life to Christ. He and Ryan wanted to be, and were, baptized then.
God gave me much confirmation because, I think, he
knew I was very afraid of trusting.
First when I went to ladies’ biblestudy the passage they read was about
Jesus telling the disciples to follow him.
That rang a bell! Then when I was
baptized I was on the way home, by myself, and I was just so full of joy I was
not paying attention. It was a rural
road that I had not been on much and I had forgotten that there was a stop sign
ahead and I was going 55 mph. All of a sudden I heard, “Step gently on the
breaks.” I did, just in time to see red
blur in front of me and then I sailed across the road and through the stop
sign. I had missed that car by a couple
of inches. I figure God didn’t want to
see me in Heaven quite so soon. I drove home very slowly with my heart in my
throat. So very thankful. I was starting a new journey and I was excited to see what this Jesus, and following him, had to do with my life. To be Continued...
I fell asleep to the sound of Ron’s rhythmic breathing; at peace because I knew he and the kids would be better off without me. I believe that was because of the spiritual oppression from having dabbled in things apart from God. In my vision I walked up to this house that was big, like an old mansion, and there were lots of people going in and out. It felt like a dark place. The air was thick and it smelled like sulfur. I walked up the stairs and into a large room that opened up to. There was a crowd of people circled around the perimeter of the room. They were laughing and acting like it was a party. But to my surprise and shock there were two scared naked children in the center of this room, standing back to back and looking terrified. I was looking around in a panic for anyone to help and I made eye contact with a man who was standing across the room from me. He was relaxed and the most beautiful man I had ever seen, but when he looked at me what I saw, in his eyes, made me sick. He talked to me without moving his mouth. Speaking right into my mind and told me that where I was going I would suffer like these children were going to, forever. I knew I could not save myself and, unexplainably, I fell to my knees. I lifted my hands to the sky and cried out, “Jesus, save me!” Instantly a bright white light fell down upon me, like a sheet covering me and everything. The second it touched me, everything, but peace, was gone. I know that sounds cliche, but it is the honest truth. I can only describe it as being enveloped in love. I woke up to that same light in our room and the sweetest voice saying, “Stephanie, do you follow me?” Yes, by name. Yet when Ron’s alarm went off it was set to static. I believe part of my testimony is the fact that I cannot explain how this all happened. Some things God does for his glory and it must just be obvious that it is Him. Who was this Jesus? All I knew is I had to find out. To be Continued...
Laura Story has written a new devotional book that is what encouragement is all about! If you click on the link and go to her site or click on this one: Blessings-Chapter-1.pdf and you can view the first chapter of her book, which includes on the second page the words to her song that so inspire me. Blessings!
This could stand for so many things that leave us feeling this way. Loss. Discouraged. Alone. Different. Unloved. Helpless. Defenseless... The list could go on and on. We each have something this would fit. A time in our life that was forever embedded into our brains and it shaped who we are today. Maybe it is currently shaping who you are to become. Either way, it is a monumental moment. This week I have had the ups and downs of people I love hitting highs and lows in their lives. Each had to do with that moment when life changed forever and what follows. For me the moment that fits this is the very one that my every day is because of. Because had I not had that moment I do not believe I would be alive. In 97 I was a young wife and mom of two who had had so many blows in her young life, yes many self inflicted, that the good didn't even look good because there was too much darkness overshadowing it all. Throw in that I had anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorders (that had not been properly diagnosed) and you are looking at a ticking time bomb. It led to the day that I decided everyone was better off without me. The voice in my head rationalized it, playing the same tape over and over. So I lay in the dark, unable to sleep, formulating a plan of sorts, but sure of what I was to do, and found myself quite peacefully able to go to sleep. What happened between that time and the morning was what came after that moment I hate to remember, but I can't stand to forget. It is the moment I met the Savior. To be Continued...
It is amazing to me what a sunny day can do for the soul. It has been several cool, but sunny days. With this being my good week, of little pain, and it being sunny, I have found that my spirits are doing very well. Almost intoxicated with the sunshine. I have gotten so much done this week and feel normal. It is easy to forget that this will not last. It could with a divine healing, but I do not see it in God's will to do that. Even in this it has served His good purpose. Too many times we try to bail ourselves and others out of the blessings God has for us or them because we don't want to go through the pain. I can't understand God's ways, or maybe what I am saying is, I can't understanding the reasoning behind some things he does, but I trust Him to know what He is doing and if I ask for healing and it doesn't come I have faith big enough to believe he has something bigger or better planned. I picked this song, Blessed be your Name, by Matt Redman. The words express that which is in my heart. Because whether things are going good or are going "in my definition" all wrong I am still saying, "Blessed be your Name Lord!" I will do my best to remember that next week as the pain increases again and I start feeling less well.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Wow, encouraging huh?! Well, sometimes we feel like God is just not answering us, but what He really is saying is that what we want is not in the plan. It is not the best, by what He knows to be best, and we have to trust him. I have had many no's in my life. Most I did not realize were no's when I received them, but later came to that realization after maturing and coming to know God better. Sometimes it is big things, like illnesses we have to live through, losing the ones we love to death, or sometimes, even getting our own way in something we think we are right about, or have the right to be right about. Sometimes when we listen to God we hear him tell us that we are wrong. That we need to think beyond ourselves. That sometimes he asks us to make sacrifices we didn't plan on making, but will honor him. Thank you, Lord, for speaking through others that don't even know you used them. Thank you for loving me enough to say the hard things to me and help me face my own vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Thank you for helping me to grow. I guess I leave who ever is reading this with the prayer and hope that God grows you to see the same things in your own lives, if you happen to be as slow a learner as I am :) and if you already have had this experience with our Lord thank him and praise him tonight for the work he is doing in those of us who are learning a little more slowly. Proverbs 3:5-7
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and depart from evil." Psalm 27:11, 14-15
"Teach me Your way, O Lord, And lead me in a smooth path.... Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!" Psalm 25:1-5
"To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You; Let me not be ashamed; let not my enemies triumph over me... Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day."
Some times the timing of things or the shock value makes it impossible to see beyond the pain and we cannot fathom why God picked this thing or this timing. Today is my best feeling day so far this week. I know that it will probably be short lived and this week will end, like it or not. But what I ponder today is not about myself. It is about a friend I had at our previous church. She lost her husband yesterday and I am just dumbfounded. Like so many losses that have hit close to home lately another soul has been called home by the Lord. Yet those who were close to him are left feeling numb and you hear the shock in the posts of our mutual friends. You wonder how in the world God could see it to serve his good purpose to take the father of a 12 year old boy, the husband of a wonderful woman..., and I don't even know the extent of all those effected. He was a police officer...I can only imagine the lives he touched. And I know from times of personal loss that there is a time period when comfort only gets skin deep. What is there to say...What is there to do...I guess the best thing to remember for friends and family is to be there when the numbness wears off. When things start to fade for you they are just hitting and really sinking in for the ones closest to the loss. Your ready to move on and they are only getting started at dealing with it. This is one of those times when faith is tested, belief is challenged, and God is closest if we let Him in. He is to be first in all relationships and sometimes we do not understand that fully until we are standing alone in something. I cannot even fathom that challenge when it means the loss of your spouse. I will not dishonor those who have lost theirs by saying I can even understand. I know what it is to lose a child, a grandparent, other extended relatives, and friends. But to lose half of ones self when you were joined together by God is a hole only God could fill. So I will simply pray and petition God to be ever present in her and her son's life. That he will envelope them with love through those closest to them and their church family. And I will remember to be thankful for every day I still share with my husband. Remember what a gift it is to have yours there today. Here is a couple verses. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. Psalm 68:5 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
I found this devotional to be so inspiring this morning. It is so true and so often hard to do. I am gonna save this and print it out to so that I, too, can get back on track when I derail myself!
