I am trying to use my experience to encourage others who are going through similar situations and/or disappointments and I am not through with this journey. Truly though, I think if I waited to be done I would be dead and then I wouldn't share anything at all. So I am going to do my best to share things from my perspective and my pain and my healing, to the degree I have. Deal?
When I found out that my husband had not been honest with me, about something I thought he had a firm belief about, it made me first, mad. Then, shocked. Then, disappointed. Mad again. Sad, broken, lonely, bitter. I realized that if something that I thought to be in his moral fiber was not really, then who was this man?
We had been married for 22 years. Had more than our share of ups and downs. Been through joy and grief. Raising children. Sticking together through tough stuff. Successes and failures. Lost and Found.
I came to the realization, that for him to hide something from me, that I thought he was against, for 10 years, then I didn't really know who he was.
All the years that I had sworn that he wasn't being honest with me, and was doubting myself, my perception, was really real. So what else was real and not real.
Really it is a mind blowing concept to have to face. And no matter the good intention of a lie (we will leave Christmas presents out of this) it breaks the fabric of a relationship from the moment it starts. Because after the initial lie or dodging of the truth you will have to keep tabs. If you are still doing it, what ever it is you're hiding, you will have to cultivate and groom your life to nurture this lie/habit for as long as you hold onto it.
In the middle of all those emotions I shared above, I got numb. It had to be somewhere between broken, lonely, and bitter. We started counseling with our pastor and then months later with a therapist. But my husband kept falling back into his old pattern, that I believe is a foundational flaw in our relationship. He wouldn't commit to the new habit that would break the old/bad one. He would start the process and then make excuses and eventually stop working towards fixing things.
The whole time I tried to act like nothing happened to most everyone. I wanted it to have not happened. I wanted to forget it. I wanted to go back. But one day, one last straw, I realized I didn't want to go back.
I think that was my problem every other time we hit speed bumps or issues. I would want it as it was. Well, for the first time I realized that was not good enough. Because something had been missing from the beginning and it created this fertile place of disfunction in our marriage and relationship.
I know that it would be so 'Story Perfect' if I could say, "Oh, we were missing God from our lives and we found God and then everything was better."
But I have to break it to you that we were 15 year old Christians. We were both highly involved in our church. I have had some people say that to go through this or for this to happen then someone must have not been saved or we/he didn't really know Jesus. But I will stand and say this is not a faith based thing. People confuse being saved and being perfect. Coming to a faith in Christ and realizing how much you need a savior is just the opposite of that. You realize who you are and that you don't have a leg to stand on without God. I fully believe that my husband and myself are saved Christians. I also believe we are sinners. We are not perfect. We make mistakes. And sometimes they are really bad. But God convicts us in our hearts, and yes it may take years. It may take intervention, or brokenness to come to terms with it. Sometimes it is a bad habit we bring into our faith and sometimes it is a temptation we give into after we know it is really wrong.
I don't know the words God will have for us on the day we stand before Him, but I know he will have a few for me and a few for most everyone about our behavior. But in the mean time we have to strive to do the best we can to behave in such a way that reflects the heart of God we want to have.
As much as either of us tried, or not, in the last couple of years we did not do a good job of that. My bitterness became my sin that I embraced and nurtured. I wanted to hurt him back almost as much as I wanted things to work out. Not good. But it is what it was. And I learned some valuable lessons about myself and others as I walked that road.
Heavenly Father,
I know someone will read this and relate. I know you do not have me doing this for my own sake alone, though no one surrenders something without receiving something in return. I pray for myself, and those who read this, that we would continue to receive healing and restoration. Because I know that is what you call us to. Restoration to you. Restoration in our marriages, that are suppose to be a reflection of our relationship with you.
Thank you LORD for caring enough to never leave us or forget us.
In Jesus Name, Amen.
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