Broken Hearted

There is nothing like being at the top of your world and having it crash in on you.  I have had it happen 3 times.  Each time it is the realization that life will never be the same smashing into a great loss of the heart.
I suppose it would be different for each individual.  And some would look at my three and think that they cannot even compare to one another.  But in my life, with my heart, they do.




Number one.  The (first) love of my life was arrested on the eve of his proposing marriage to me.  I was in high school.  Young and thinking my life was finely going right.  I got a call from the sheriffs office from an officer nice enough to let me know my boyfriend would not be showing up to take me to the preplanned night out because he was in jail on 3 counts of murder.  Yes, really.  My life collapsed.  I won't spend this time going through the cascade down that cliff now.

Number two.  I woke to find my 2 month old son, Anthony, dead in his bassinet.  SIDS.  I don't really need to recap the reality of what came after that right now either.

Number three.  After 22 years of marriage I found out my husband was keeping a secret from me for the last 10 years.  Now it wasn't cheating on me.  It wasn't, by the worlds standards, even something that is that big a deal.  But it was to me.  The bigger deal though, was that it was a habit he had been kept from me for 10 years.  That fact was the killer.  And that is the place where I am beginning the story I have been leading up to for the last three posts. Well, where I will begin next time.

I want you to know that despite everything I share, I am at a place of forgiveness.  I am no better than my husband.  I have my own faults that probably notch me higher on the list of things that are bad in one's life.  I am sharing this, and the last two years of my life, so that I can reveal healing to someone who needs it.  Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.  The longest thing I have ever stuck with, in my life. And a daily thing, sometimes, that I have to lay before the Lord to stay in.  I love my husband.  But it is from a different place and a different love than I had for him years ago.  And the most growth we have had started with that tragic day 2 years ago, when I found out I didn't really know him at all.

Lord,
As I, we, travel this journey I went on (and am still on) please protect hearts and minds.  Please minister to hurting people and give the hope and healing that only you can provide.  I love you Lord. More than any one or any thing.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use a trial to touch someone else's life for the better.
In Jesus Name, Amen.