Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord guards the city, the guard keeps watch in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives sleep to his beloved. Psalm 127:1-2
So, I would be lying if I said that it made me happy that I was not meeting my personal expectations for this study. I have been looking forward to this for months. It meant digging deep and learning new things.
I had just gotten over chronic migraines this winter, due to an old neck injury. With muscle therapy once a week we have managed to eliminate them 99.9% :) I was ready to be 100% and do the study at 100%. The problem is that was not to be. The last 4 months I have been experiencing worsening abdominal pain, blood in my urine, and fatigue. After many tests (I talk about this in an earlier post) I am in the waiting mode of scheduling a laparoscopy for suspected endometriosis. I am totally at peace with that. Glad to be having the diagnostic procedure necessary to work towards a solution. I have experienced enough physical pain in my days that I know how to find peace even in this. Yet, here I am having issues with my level of participation in my bible study. Today I had to contemplate the fact that it bugged me so much and ask myself if God is looking at it the same way. The study we are doing is Beth Moore - James: Mercy Triumphs. It is linked to the publisher page if you are interested. I did not think this study would apply to me exactly, but i was looking forward to the discipline of memorizing the book of James and writing it out. What has happened is the pain medication I am on manages to eliminate my ability to concentrate or memorize. This last two weeks have been my big pain days of the month and try as I might i just keep reading the same thing over and over and it just escapes me. I am also suffering from fatigue along with the medicine making me sleepy. Almost every time I sit down I am falling asleep. So at times I have stubbornly not taken the pain medicine only to be so in pain I have to resort to laying down and doing nothing, and sleeping anyway. Pain also makes concentrating difficult.
What possible encouragement could anyone get out of this? Glad you're wondering too. I am encouraged by how the Lord spoke to my heart through all this today.
I shared with two of my friends from church this week about my inability and they both immediately extended mercy and grace and told me to just do the video part. That I should give myself a break. What?! Not do the daily study, the writing of the verses, the memorizing... See I expected that of myself. Even though I did not have the ability.
I am often harder on myself than I am on others and I think that is true of most of us. But I also realized I kind of felt like everyone should try to go the distance in class. Extending grace and mercy to anyone else was not even a thought when I started this study. But it was on Beth's mind and she addresses it in the first video of the series. I started this study with the thought that I could help to be an example to the other women by doing it all; an encouragement. I still didn't think it applied to me.
It just so happens the part of the study we were reviewing (that I did not do this week) talked about the fact that the Lord wants us to have a healthy, balanced view of ourselves because, frankly, all of our pathologies are exhausting. (pathologies are any deviation from a healthy or normal condition). I think sometimes that healthy view needs to be realistic and we need to make peace with that. I may be physically sick, but I can hear and learn what the Lord wants me to do to take care of myself. Sometimes we will not be able to meet the expectations we or others put on us. But if we ask God what he is expecting of us it is not going to be more than we can handle, when we include Him and his strength in the process. If God so blesses me with physical health a friend and I are going to do this study again, this summer.
I can't say God would have a problem with me giving it my all, but what He has been telling me lately is that my all is not up to the expectations I put upon myself.
Nor is it up to my being able to do it all.
Nor is it up to me to set an example based on my own idea of what should be expected.
God humbled me today by helping me to realize that I am exactly the opposite of where I wanted to be and am only able to do the opposite of what I wanted to in my own power. No, I didn't think that was what I was doing along the way...but sometimes we realize the truth and our mistakes through "creative" lessons.
Thank you Lord for bothering with me. I am such a hard learner. But I have a true love for You and want to please You. I just get it all mixed up sometimes. Forgive me for falling back in to a "religious", "Under the Law" way of thinking. Help me to be all you want me to be and do all you want me to do. I will rest in you, Lord, and find peace right where You have me. In Your Name, Amen.
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