I am not sure I had ever understood the feeling of either of those before this last year. I use to associate them with situations that were strictly pleasant. I find now that it is something very deep and baseline. Not dependent on exterior circumstances or emotions so much. I can express that I am in level 7 or 8 pain, as I would rate it, yet, I can smile with heart felt joy through agonizing tears. I see things clearer through the pain than I ever have before. I am not sure exactly when the change happened in this last year. I know that I wasn't experiencing it during most of my life. Times were good or they were bad. Period.
I have been a christian since 1997 when I gave my life to Christ. But until this last year I only really tasted small bits of what I am talking about. There would be moments of peace and/or joy during trials, but often time they were fleeting because I still struggled with the face of it. If you haven't listened to the song by Laura Story, Blessings, you need to. It will probably say better what I am trying to. Because for me the "what ifs" are really true. My peace and joy are not dependent on smiles and a lack of pain, but a point of perspective. They come through raindrops and tears, turmoil and trauma. Not just the good stuff.
The last couple of years tore holes all over in my former thinking. I started experiencing death and pain and disappointment at a rate that I could not run from, hide from, or ignore. When that happens you have to face it or give up. I know God well enough to know that He didn't give up on me and I wasn't allowed the luxury of thinking I could either. I had tried that once, as my story told. But I found I was angry at the lack of possibilities that would allow me to do what I wanted to do. It was all about being able to serve God better, so I told myself, so it made it ok for me to be striving for more than what I was meant to have or do. But that cliche that sometimes God says no is really true. No to what we think we need or want, but yes to us and what will ultimately be the most wonderful for us. I know for some of you that won't even make sense. Sounds like a bunch of flower wearing, bible toting bull. But for once in my life it is not.
The process began a couple of years ago when God said no about going into full time missions. Some might say that is just our perspective on things, but God really made it quite clear. Couple that with the loss of my grandmother and not dealing with the grief. I could not see why he wouldn't want us there then, but now it is like looking back through a clean glass window. I blamed everything else for it not working out, and then I blamed God for not thinking we were good enough to serve him that way. I kind of imploded. But out of the ashes came something beautiful. I grew up and got what grace was. What mercy was. What it was to find peace and joy where tears and pain live. I figured out that God has a better way and I don't get it, but I don't have to. I just have to rest in the fact that He does and somehow, someway there lies peace and joy beyond circumstances.
I still make decisions for my life: God gave me a brain.
I still believe in medical treatment; God can work miracles through others.
I still cry when I am hurting or when someone else is; God gave me tears and the emotions to empathize.
I still believe that God gave me free will and I could choose to walk down the broken road bare foot, but I choose to put on the armor of God and finally understand what that means.
Blessings to you all and I hope you find God loving you where you are tonight.
Romans 15:13
I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace as you trust in him. Then you will have more and more hope, and it will flow out of you by the power of the Holy Spirit.
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