Part 4: Amazing Grace

There was much spiritual warfare for me those first few months.  I had given over much of my life to things that don't mess with God and I was plagued with nightmares and weird things happening.  A new Christian friend took me to a Cleansing Stream’s Spiritual Recovery program to deal with the evil that I had invited in my life and to start cleaning house, so to speak.  I learned a lot about what we do in life and how it can impact you spiritually.

I poured myself in to everything I could.  Family groups, bible studies, and then teaching children’s Sunday school.  Helping with MOPS and being a group leader, craft leader, and speaker.  Going to women’s retreats and then being a part of the committee.  Giving my testimony when ever I could.  Though some things continue to be a battle, I could not help but notice I had become a nicer, more peaceful person, even with the trials that faced me then and the ones that face me today.
I will say, I don't believe God needs to confirm himself, but I believe that when a sincere heart seeks him He will reveal himself to them in very personal ways.
Again God confirmed himself to me a few years later. I was not supposed to have any more children, because I had endometriosis that had gotten quite bad.  The doctor was contemplating surgery and mentioned the need for a hysterectomy if it was too severe. Breeann was 5 at that time and I had already had a early miscarriage since having her so we resigned ourselves to that fact.  But when I went to the women’s retreat that year we were told to pray our hearts desire and share that with a secret prayer partner.  I did and the next month I was pregnant.  I was overjoyed.  But, God had revealed to me at that retreat that He needed me to walk through the desert.  I did not understand what that meant and was kind of frightened. That was 13 years ago and I will say that still I find it coming to my mind as I travel this life.
Anyway, the desert of that time was because the pregnancy ended up being harder than we expected.  I had to give up all my church activities and just focus on Ryan and Breeann and resting.  That isolation was definitely a desert experience because you find that the enemy plays the most head/heart games when you are alone and lonely.  Ron went on a mission trip with the church to Mexico when I was eight months pregnant and I really felt left out.  When I had Andrew I was very sad and was deeply plagued with postpartum depression.  Ron said to go to the doctor and he put me on an antidepressant.  It helped within two weeks and I felt like my pre-pregnant self.  I thank God for giving people the ability to create medicines to help with our fallen DNA.
Unexpected to us, we got pregnant again, very easy, a short time later and 22 months after Andrew we had Gabby.  That was the best pregnancy I ever had. God surrounded us with friends and much love with this delivery. That was the last one for us to have.
To give you perspective, my first Son, Anthony, died of SIDS very early in the story of my life.  Yet, he would have only been 16 months older than Ryan. I have had three miscarriages.  That means to me I have 8 children.  I value life from the moment God created it, whether I knew it was there, until it was too late, or not.  Four of my babies are in heaven already.  Three I didn't really get to meet.  One left two months after he was born.  There is a space in my heart that only he, and they, can fill.  God's own grace helped teach me that.  We are all precious in God's eyes.
Now I am looking forward to grand-babies someday.  Watching my children start that journey of preparing to someday start families.  In the mean time I am dealing again with the problems that left them saying I would never have my last two miracle babies.  I will be going through the first surgery in two weeks.  That will probably lead to a hysterectomy.  I can't understand the why of it all, but I can recognize it for the love that it is.  God didn't have to say yes and delay what I am going through now.  But he did and I thank Him for surrounding me with children and love, and a loving husband who cares for me so much and has stuck out this journey with me.

To be Continued...